DATING WITH CHILDREN

How many of you know that dating with children can be hard to do? It can be hard whether you are single and dating a man or woman with children, it’s hard if you are on the other end of the spectrum and you are the single parent but the person you’re seeing doesn’t and/or may not understand that you can’t always spend nights out or they may not be able to stay over whenever they’d like.  It can be difficult trying to explain why you can’t be as spontaneous as you would like, while hoping that the guy/girl that you’re interested in understands and is still interested in your despite you lack of freedom at times.  Also as a single parent, both single dads and moms alike, how many of you agree that the potential mate doesn’t have to just impress you and win your heart, but it’s even more important to win the heart of your child(ren)? Ironically enough, it can even get difficult among two single parents trying to make it happen.  It seems to me that either way you look at it, “Dating with children” is just plain hard.

For the single person dating a single parent partner, first and foremost you have to consider all factors before making things official.  I say this because most good parents will not allow you to meet their child(ren) until they are certain of you, and it is a major breakthrough to the next level of your relationship if they do.  If the relationship ever fell apart, though you may not be biologically this child’s parent, they have become close to you and bonded with you.  Walking away from your mate also involves walking away from the child(ren) after such a connection takes place.  In some cases, this can take a toll on him or her.  If you don’t think that you can step up in the place of the absentee parent when necessary and support the person you’re with, then maybe you should keep the relationship casual and let it be known that you aren’t comfortable being considered for that role.  

You also have to be understanding to the fact that his or her responsibilities lie with the child first.  If you have some attention issues and need everything to be about you all the time, leave the parent alone and date a single person! Have you ever heard of a mate getting jealous of the time and affection a he or she may give to their child instead of them? I have, and at the first glimpse of that tendency I’d send his butt packing!  As a single parent, my son comes first, any man that I consider to be a life partner with me, has to understand that, respect that and expect that.  We are a package deal, you can not have one without the other.  If you don’t like our two for one special that’s perfectly fine but just know that I am not the one!   

Before dating a person with a child understand that this person can’t hang out until all hours of the night with you and you may not be allowed to come to their house for a while.  You may not be able to call them at 4:45 Friday afternoon and say “baby I got us two tickets to paradise for the weekend, what do you say?” without hearing some hesitation in his/her voice because he/she is uncertain of if they are going to be able to get a babysitter.  You can’t say to him or her “shut your phone off, I just want it to be about us with no interruptions…” because you might get a response like, “uh uh, what if there’s an emergency and I’m not able to be reached??” said with a look like “don’t you get it!?!”  If this isn’t something you bargained for then don’t even bother, no matter how tempting the person is, otherwise you’ll be setting yourself and the potential beau up for unnecessary headaches!

Probably one of the MOST important things to know when dating a parent is that their child(ren) is their world.  To get to his/her heart is through their child(ren).  It has to be a genuine love and respect for the child.  If it isn’t the child can sense it and so can the parent.  It’s sad but true how there are instances where a woman can be so desperate for a man, that despite the signs, she forces her child to like him.  Even worst when she then closes her eyes to the fact that he doesn’t really like the child, has no respect for either of them and leaves the door open for anything to happen.  You have to know that if the child has a valid reason for not liking you, a good parent would consider their thoughts and opinions before considering you and 9 times out of 10 if the baby doesn’t like you, you’ll be out the door before you know it!  So if you really aren’t into kids, don’t front just leave well enough alone.

Parents dating single people… need I say more? It can work provided the single person knows the rules and respects the rules of the relationship.  But I’ve found that even being a single parent, dating a single parent or a person with child can also be intimidating.  I say that because as a parent you realize how crucial it is to make a good impression on the child and get the child to genuinely like you because you already know that this can have a direct affect on how your relationship will or won’t evolve.  Depending on how much you like the person, you rack your brain all day leading up until the day that you finally meet, trying to remember all the things that he/she likes so you can find commonality and you’re just praying that you say and do all the right things. It can be stressful!  

I think the age of the child can also be intimidating.  Starting a relationship with someone who has a fairly young child can be far less intimidating then starting a relationship with someone who’s child(ren) is pre-teen or a teenager.  At that age, their harmones are in full swing and they can be a little defiant, they may act out just trying to see who’s boss with the parent.  There can be all sorts of little power plays that the kid may do just to see if they can get it off.  At that age that it can throw you for a loop and depending on how intense and how much the parent let’s the child get away with, there may be days that make you want to throw in the towel!  

Dating a person with children can be a beautiful thing if you just have such a love for the person that you love their child as an extension of them.  Sure once the children realize that mom or dad is really serious and considering taking things further, there may be some bumpy days and a little power play, but all it takes is a little assurance of the parent to child, that no matter how much mommy or daddy loves this other person it could never replace the love that you have for them and that they will always be your favorite person.  Once they understand that you’re not replacing them but just adding to your family, they’ll stop the act and receive them in open arms, they do ultimately want to see their parent happy.  So though, there is an unwritten protocol for dating a person with a child and there are things to seriously consider prior to taking things to the next level once you have taken the leap and gotten over the initial stress of it all, it can be a beautiful thing.

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