Usually when people talk about someone being scorned or carrying around baggage, they’re usually referring to a woman being scorned, i.e “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” however, have you ever wondered how a man turned out the way he did? Have you ever wondered how a guy that had so much potential to be a great man, boyfriend, or husband always fell short and had some kind of insecurity issue? Ever wonder maybe what could’ve happened in his past that turned him this way? Or maybe what happened that he turned into such a dog or male whore? Is it just instinct for him to be a total player or did some girl break his heart and ever since then he built up a guard stronger than the great wall of China?!? Trust me it happens! Women aren’t the only ones who carry baggage from relationship to relationship. Men do the same thing, they aren’t immune to hurt like some of us think! They have feelings too, eventhough they may have a different form of communication and don’t always show their feelings in the same way that us women do. Men process emotions differently than women, and when they do get hurt it can sometimes be too much for him to process and so the best way to cope is to shut that part of himself down and not deal with the pain. Think about it, how many men you know go around wearing their heart on their sleeve? Not too many, this is because men are brought up to be “manly men” they are raised to show power and authority (tears and emotions are not seen as “manly” but as ”girly”) because of this being ingrained in the very roots of their being, it takes a lot for him to let his guard down, that when he does and the woman he trusted breaks his heart, he is apt to swear off women for all eternity. Only if he is willing and a suitable candidate comes along, will a “Good Guy Gone Bad” consider leaving his doggish ways behind.
I have a very good friend of mine, who happens to be very attractive, intelligent, articulate, educated and all around good guy that any woman would love to have but happens to have some issues. Have you ever seen a guy that was ALL of THAT and you wondered, why he may have been single and why some woman hadn’t scooped him up yet, or maybe after getting to know him a little better, you’re saying to yourself, “oh I see why…” not to say that he is THAT guy, but he does have some emotional scar tissue that he needs to get surgically removed so that he can just move on with his life, with the right woman who is willing to love him and not hurt him, but his previous poor judgement in women, has left him scorned.
A bad marriage and a string of sour relationships with not so worthy girls has left him skeptical of any new relationships that presents itself. I can see him sometimes waiting for things to happen, just so he can say to himself, “see told you so, woman aint sh%t!” That’s not a good place to be in when all you really want to do is be happy with someone who is deserving. And it’s hardly fair to the innocent woman who is just trying to love this guy.
On the other hand, I have another guy friend who is also going through a divorce but he is a little more resillient in the fact that he isn’t leaving his marriage scarred to the core but more aware and now, knows what to expect. He’s another typical nice guy, but I don’t expect him to try and wife someone up quickly. I presume that he’ll play the field, see if he’s still got it and go on the dog trail for a while before bringing it back home to wife up some lucky lady in the future.
So ladies, what do you do when you come across a guy that you really do love, but he has some issues with women, at the time you meet him? Do you ride it out and really try to prove to him your worthiness (I would only consider this is he weren’t a man whore, but just had some committment issues)? Or do you let him go, because his insecurities aren’t your problem and are too much to bare? Well the decision is yours of course, all of our actions have a consequence.
The man I claim, when I met him he was confident in himself, or so I thought for a while, but there were some underlying issues that had surfaced. At first, I couldn’t deal. Thought that if he couldn’t handle a little bit of pain like I could then maybe he wasn’t strong enough for me. Time apart without cease of feelings and chemistry continually brought us back together and now…. guess what I learned? Love is enough to heal all wounds, well…. love coupled with time and patience is all I had to add to the recipe for a happy ending.
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Zarinah
I met my children father when I was 13 years old and we were together for some years,until he left us for this other woman. This other woman was attractive and had no children and I guess he though the grass was greener on the other side. This woman used him and also cheated on him,he beat her up and put her out on the street naked and she had to call family members to come get her. Now he is a lunitic,he lost his mind,he also was using drugs. He must of really loved her, and now he use women,he never did the things for me and my children that he did for her. He is no longer the boy I knew growing up,I beleive he hate women,because his heart got broken and it also tell me he never really loved me, he just let me go! He’s a monster now! I don’t want him, good ritten! God works in mysterious ways! What goes around comes around!
Hi Beverly!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with a man scorned with us. That is very unfortunate situation that you and your children had to experience however that wasn’t just an example of what happens to a man s premed but also an example of what comes around goes around and that just because something looks good and smells guest mean that it actually is. And because of your maturity and dedication to your children I know you will see brighter days!
Hello Zarinah, thank you so much for your understanding of a bad situation. Today things are still the same for him,for me I’ve ask GOD to take my feeling away for this man,because he only have hate in his heart. Today,I’m a child of GOD and he gives me the strenght to go on,my love is for GOD and my children. I know this had to be a type-o,you said,because something looks good and smells guest mean that it actually is? NO,this is how people get TRICKED! Because they only see the outer parts,LOVE comes from within not on the outside,it’s how a person treats you actions speaks louder than words.A person actions is going to show you the real deal,people can say anything to get what they want. The LORD said “DON”T BE DECIEVED! My days are getting brighter just hearing from such a beautiful person! God Bless You!
Hi again,
Sorry for the typos in my previous post… I must’ve been so anxious to get back a response to you because of all that you shared with us that I was thinking faster than I was typing! Yes I did intend to say “just because something looks good and smell good doesn’t mean that it actually is!” The problem with a lot of people in life, not just men, is that when there is a problem in our relationships we become cowards and we run away. It seems that we rather run off into a situation that “appears” to be less drama than actually staying and confronting the issues in our current situation. It’s harder to work on them and actually deal with the problem but when you do you will have a better relationship because we stayed…
I’m thankful that God is doing a mighty work in your life, restoring what was broken because of that man so that you can be a better woman and mother for you children.
However, it is unfortunate that things are still on the dark side for him and although what you sow you reap I wish him some peace in his life so that he doesn’t continue to live his life that way.
Thank you again for coming by The j Spot… I know the posts have slowed down but I have some good stuff to come…
Be blessed!!!
I am currently involved with a very handsome, very capable man but he has so many insecurities it isn’t funny. I’ve known him for about 18yrs but just “reconnected’ last Dec. When we ran into one another we were both seperated and moving forward. The difference between us is that I have moved forward, divorced and have dealt with my bad marriage and all the bad relationships before then. He, on the other hand has not. Although he and his wife don’t live together or really deal with one another outside of the child, he hasn’t filed for divorce, he says he wants to but he’s taking his time (he’s a procrastinator). Anyway, he has been hurt badly by his children’s mother and from what I hear, most of the women he’s dated. It seems that b/c of his past I wind up being blamed for cheating and doing things that I shouldn’t. He knows that all I do is sit in the house and spend time with my kids but for some reason he amost always finds a way to accuse me, saying women always find a way…(sigh) he is a very good guy with a good heart. He loves his children and says he wants this relationship and that he knows what he has but it’s been almost an entire year and I am getting so, so tired of excuses. He’s a grown man who needs to take responsibility and deal with his past so that he can move forward with us before it’s too late. I’m giving this just a little more time and if there is no improvement, sad to say, I have to let it go.
When men have a past like your man,you better step back and look at the big picture! Most of them always crying about what their exes have done to them,like they didn’t do anything,wake-up and smell the coffee. Men know we as women are emotional creatures and they play on that,I bet if you had the opportunity to speak to his exes you would hear a different story. We as women have got to stop being so gullible for these men who have no sense of direction where his life is going,maybe you need to give him a chance to find out what he want in LIFE!
Hi Gaynita,
Thank you for visiting The J Spot and sharing with us your experience. It sounds to me that not only is your man scorned he’s also insecure. It’s terrible that such a handsome and capable man, as you stated, has such insecurities that he isn’t seeing how he is jeopardizing your relationship by accusing you of things that aren’t even on your mind to do. In your post you stated that you reconnected and that you both had been in previous relationships but were BOTH moving on. Truth is, you have moved on and have come to a place where you were ready for a new relationship. Your boyfriend, seems to be stuck in the past and blaming you for the hurt of his past relationship. It is obvious that you love him or else you wouldn’t still be there nearly a year later. My advice is to stick to your instincts. I think you know that eventhough he has the potential to be a great man and future husband, that he is not for you at least not right now. He needs to get some kind of counseling to work through his problems and do some healing before he can be a good man for anybody.
Good luck and be blessed.
Soul4real
thank you for your comment on the j spot! I do agree a lot of times men do play on a woman’s emotions and of course he wants to make it seem that it was always the other person. The truth is the common denominator is him. And this applies to anyone. Think about the stories that your men/women tell you about their past. See if you see some of that same type of behavior exhibited in your relationship and always think about if all of their relationships failed that maybe the problem wasn’t the other person maybe it was him.
I am dealing with a man who I believe is very bitter and scorned by his past. He and I dated over 20yrs ago and reconnected. I know that he’s been hurt because he took care of twins that turned out not to his for about 10yrs and these twins were with a woman that he cheated on me with. He won’t come out and talk about it with me, but I know about it. Everytime I try to discuss the subject matter with him, he gets angry with me and shuts down. He keeps telling me that I should have stayed with him, and we could have worked it out, and if I had stayed, his life would have been different. Whenever, I ask him to open up to me, his answer is, “Everytime I open up, I get hurt”. I keep tellinjg him, “I’m not them”, everyone woman is not out to hurt you”, but he still refuses to open up. He tells me he loves me and he wants to be with me and he wants to work things out, and give our love another try, but he will not open up to me, he won’t even tell me his true feelings, all I get is, “I Love You With All Of My Heart” but nothing else. Today, I asked flat out, “Do you love me, and if so why”, his response to me was, “I’m not going to say”. Then when I ask him why he’s not going to say, he doesn’t answer. I don’t know what to do. Should I hang in there with him in hopes of him opening up to me? Should I continue to try to prove to him that I love him and I’m not going to hurt him? What should I do, I’m truly at a lost, because I still love his man very much, but I cannot keep dealing with this anger issues, and the baggage. How do I get him to open up to me and discuss his past issues? Please, someone help!
Hi Cynthia, thanks for stopping by and subscribing to the J spot! We welcome you and your comments. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time with you man. It’s never fun getting through the rough patches in relationships. Now you asked if you should stay or go and I’m going to give you my honest answer based on my own experiences…. First, do you really feel that it’s fair that he blame his bad situation with his children’s mother on the fact that you weren’t willing to stay with him? I don’t think that it’s ok for him to put that blame on you. We all are adults and fully capable of making decisions. The fact that he cheated on you with this woman shows that you were in fact dealing with him at the time and he brought this on himself. He says he loves you, but love is a verb. Does he show that he loves you in his actions? By the way he treats you, the things he does for you? It’s going to be a long road to get him to the point you want him to be on.and the question you should ask yourself is are you willing to invest that much more time on something that isn’t promised? Life is short and time is money… If this were a dead end job would you be so willing to stay or would you pack up your desk and chuck them dueces? If it were me I’d consider the questions I asked you and make a decision… If he is showing you he loves you but just isn’t comfortable divulging it then it’s worth because everything else speaks for itself. But if he can’t even show you and the words that he speaks are void of life cut your losses and walk away! Don’t continue to waste time on something just because you are comfortable or because there’s history. It’ll save you a lot of time on pain and heartache down the road…. Baggage is a heavy burden to bare and if he doesnt want to drop that load and ove on then he’ll continue to be stuck in the past never being able to move forward with you or ant one else…
Finally women who are sensitive to a mans hurt. I was last cheated on Sept 10 2009 and again like two days later. It destroyed me. Im so fucked up and confused over it that I just don’t wont any parts of a relationship or especially one that seems like it’ll be about something. This encounter happen a year after the birth of my daughter. It had also happen three months before getting my at the time partner pregnant. I didn’t find out until 2 months after the birth of my daughter. I was very upset but was able to get over it because she came out and stated she wanted to make things right before continuing the process of building a family. I forgave her… As soon as I started getting over it about a year later…I noticed changes that spelled trouble on the home front. I investigated and found everything I needed to know and with that being said the shit hit the fan. It hurt even more because she …would never confess on her own even with evidence even with me speaking with the guy on the phone and with text messages pictures etc. That was the killing part so at this point in my life I hate women and want nothing to do but dog the shit out of them. I know its not right but my mom has done the same shit to my dad from childhood up to the present and Im 28 yrs old. Please help me. I can go into detail but this is my story in a nut shell. I tried counseling but I need to here from a womans’ perspective/
i guess i fit in well.My story….I was never the kinda guy that could just go out one night at the club/bar/whatever an get a number.I was the shy type to a point until I wanted someone so badly I just got over my fear an said the hell with it…ask her.I was like that for a long time the only problem though is I never got to the asking part until I was 20.Even then I still had very few girlfriends after the first,5 to be exact.The 5th one I married.I was never a dog gone wild after the first and she didn’t leave me I left her.WHY…because of a stupid thing older guys pass around to the young bucks..”don’t marry the first piece of tail you get” kinda things.I broke that girls heart an for what…because my dumb ass didn’t any better.The other girls left me,cheated on me.I tried to kill myself twice because of depression.Then came number 5 after running free but lonely,I asked her to marry me 16 hours after first meeting her and she said yes.we had nothing in common liked none of the same things except for sex an we lasted 12 difficult years.When enough was enough and I couldn’t stay any more because of the kids I left.Very soon after I meet someone that made me want to be another person,a better person.I believed she was sent to me by god himself,she said to me that a voice said to her talk to him,be there for him.We were myspace friends after I had separated from my ex of 12yrs.Very soon after that we were married.She had heavy damage from her past ex’s but I thought that by being there,god put this together,and I have no desire to be with anyone else this will work.Wrong…at every turn she thought I wanted back with my ex.Or thought I was going behind her back screwing my best friends of 17+ years girlfriends,all the stuff her ex did.Now our marriage has failed,an I feel that even though I did nothing wrong,didn’t cheat or abandon her,or do the foul things she has said about me,i want to love her,i want to miss her but i’m so screwed up about what she has said about me i want to hate her but i can’t.Now after being separated from her for a few months.I look at woman an want to love again but can’t for fear of what I went through too happen again.Im in pain an i need a lot of time but i fear time won’t fix it.This manly man cried today because he misses what he had but knows somewhere in side he will never have the real love of a woman again,an is also afraid to even want to try.
ill just hang in there lol,not because i have too,but becayse i want too…..besides wht do i have too lose tht aint already lost?