BAD SANTA!!

So now that Christmas has passed are you looking at your gift that your beau bought and wondering why did they even bother? Do you feel slighted by the gift you received compared to what you purchased for them? A lot of people right now are really impressed with their Christmas gifts, some lucky girls and guys became engaged, or received iPods, iPhones, MacBooks, DJ Hero or some other pricey or not so pricey gift that was just what they wanted.  But there are a few people out there with impersonal gifts such as socks, ugly pajamas or something else that you would give to a co-worker or perhaps a person that you didn’t really care for… baa-humbug!!  Is there a meaning to the type of gifts that we get or give?

I had a friend tell me about a time where one Christmas he busted his butt to get his girlfriend the perfect gift that she wanted and in turn he thought he received the gift that he wanted, a men’s Coach belt, but when he went to the Coach Store in Short Hills Mall, the sales person was embarrassed to tell him that the belt he was trying to exchange was a fake and had NOT been purchased at their store!  Wowzers, what a way to show someone that you care!  Well, maybe she didn’t have the funds to purchase a real belt, does that mean she didn’t care?  Or perhaps she cared so much that instead of letting him down and not get what he wanted, she purchased a knock off to make him happy? That may be a stretch but… I’ll leave it up to you all to come up with your own conclusions about what you think.  Nevertheless, the poor guy who received this gift definitely got the short end of the shaft.  SMH.

The truth of the matter is that though the holiday is not simply about giving gifts alone, it to some people still holds some spiritual value, but who are we kidding? We love the gifts and we all want to receive something nice so that we can brag to all of friends about what our spouses bought for us (especially us girls).  What are you going to tell your friends when you find out the purse you think you man bought you is a phony??

Taking the chance to skate by on giving cheesy gifts can put a quick halt to your relationship!  I mean wouldn’t you want to dump the sleaze ball who passed off a fake Gucci bag as an expression of love when they really just bought it off some street vendor for $20 bucks? It wouldn’t have been that he couldn’t afford to purchase the bag, but that he lied…  So was Santa nice to you this year or do you wish he had kept his gifts to himself??

Hello world!

Welcome to The J Spot. The J Spot is a place for spiritual reflections, empowerment, motivation and real conversations about real situations.  Be sure to tune in to The J Spot regularly as I post several times a week.  Also be sure to check me out at www.therealjspot.com I look forward to all of your comments and feedback to the blogs that I’ll journal and share with you.  Thank you blessing my spot with your presence.

 

Peace & Blessings

Thug Passion

Why has there always been an attraction between a good girl and a bad boy? What is it in a woman that draws her to him? Some think that it may just be the all too simple tale that opposites attract, which I think has some truth to it. Some also think that it’s a fetish, it gives the good girl the opportunity to experience life on the “wild side” like she never would have known otherwise, I think that may also have some truth to it. One of my personal favorite theories are that woman are born with an innate maternal/ nurturing instinct. We always want to fix something or someone, this is the position that I really tend to side with.  So what’s the correct answer here? I say a strong case of ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Personally I think there are tons of reasons why some woman are attracted to the “bad boy” or the “thug life.” The whole bad boy imagery is all over the television, especially in music videos. That lifestyle is portrayed as “the life” that everyone should want to live. To some women who have a normal, (what they would consider) boring, everyday life this may be attractive. It gives them the opportunity to live vicariously through someone else or it gives them that status of being “so and so’s girl.” Every girl who’s dated a bad boy was “so and so’s” girl for a time and everyone around the way knew that you were hands off. That faux feeling of status that you get from being some dude’s girl that is high up on the food chain can feel empowering.

I think we have a tendency to see more good in a person than they are able to see in themselves. We see and fall for the “possibilities” while ignoring the “realities!!” We say to ourselves, “if I could just get him to stop doing this he would be the perfect guy” or “if he would stop hanging with this group of friends he’d stop getting in trouble and then he’d be the perfect guy.” I’m not hating on any women out there who prefer the bad boy, for me it was a phase that I had gone through, and I think that’s the case for a lot of women.

As for this goodie two shoes, I am not attracted to the streetlife or whatever glory it may bring. The tough guy persona is not what I am attracted to. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a pushover, I don’t think any girl really wants that. I am attracted to testosterone and I would prefer my man to have a say so and have the ability to tell me “no” from time to time, but not too often! I don’t want for him to be a punk and not able to stand up for himself or for me in that matter. However, what I am attracted to instead of the roughneck, tough guy is a strong sense of self confidence, and not arrogance. He definitely has to be on the same page spiritually with me, he has to be intelligent and articulate. I am attracted to the kind of man that feels comfortable in a room full of stiff suits or on the street in front of a corner store. I am attracted to a sense of humor and a great personality.

So I have passed this cup of Thug Passion on to the next chick that craves a little adventure in her life and I am perfectly happy and satisfied with my God Fearing, respectable, educated, confident, articulate, loving and caring man.  It’s funny, I sometimes look back in retrospect and wonder…. “what was I thinking????”

SANTA, JUST PUT A MAN UNDER MY TREE!

This one is for all of my singles out there.  What do you want for Christmas? That’s the question a lot of people are being asked at this time of year and most responses are generic in that they are almost all the same, with requests of the cutest outfit or the hottest accessory of the season or maybe even a bottle of your favorite perfume.  But when you go home at night all you’d really like to ask for is a beautiful man to slide up under your tree!  

What is it about this time of year that has the lonely missing what they don’t have? What is it about the holiday season that has you craving that significant other that you thought you were fine without? Could it be that as the years go by you are one of the only one’s left at the dinner table without a date? Or is the latest news of your younger cousin who just got engaged to what seems like the perfect guy that you have yet to find? Or maybe it’s the news that you’re going to be a new auntie or a god mommy within the next year?  Sometimes around the holidays you look around and you see where everyone else is in their lives and you notice more than ever where you are in yours.

Instead of it being a happy time of year, you find yourself cuddling your pillow tighter hoping that if you squeeze it hard enough it’ll turn into a man.  Unfortunately every morning you wake, it’s still a pillow and it’ll always be.  Sometimes, you find yourself at home reminiscing on past relationships, that may not have been all of that, but in your lonely state you start to say ‘well they weren’t that bad’ and even decide to call and allow them to pay you a visit or two.  After those episodes of delirium you feel even worse than you had before you called and remember quite vividly why things didn’t work out in the first place!  Those acts of desperation are the last things that we want to do.  

I don’t know why we get so hard on ourselves around this time of year, that we want for what we don’t have.  I think the true meaning of the holidays are to be focused on our haves instead of our havenots.  So though you may desire that perfect man that you can call all your own, and that beautiful diamond ring to show off or maybe even to share that you are about to take on one of  life’s most blessed events ever, focus on the things that you do have like great friends, a loving family and a whole lot to offer that special one when he finally does find you.

So this year, I challenge you that as you gather around the dinner table with your family and friends to have Christmas dinner to  instead of looking around at your kin and noticing what they have that you don’t, be thankful for all that you do have.  Be thankful that you are alive and have your health, be thankful for your family and your friends and as you continue to be true to yourself, you never know who they may have invited to stop by for dinner!  

Lighten up, tis’ the season!

JUST KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW….

I was inspired to write about this particular topic as I’ve seen some things resurface about this and so I decided to shed a little Daddy’s Girl commentary.  One of my fellow bloggers Ms. Lizzia wrote a blog entitled, ‘Why so many men are gay?’ It’s actually very interesting to find out that scientist have been able to prove that ‘animals are undergoing unnatural sexual changes in response to environmental pollution.’  There was also a new posts about Jonathan Plummer, ex- husband of best selling author Terry McMillan, and his new male beau being spotted around town making out for the cameras.  As my curiosity got the best of me I dug up some information about the ‘Down Low lifestyle’ and this is what I found…. I must say, for all of those that are still dating the world seems to be a scary place to find the right one!!  It seems, for all of you who don’t know, that a D L man is one who perceives himself as heterosexual and usually has a relationship with a woman be it girlfriend or wife, who occasionally has sex with manly men on the side whenever the urge calls for it.  J. L. King, who happens to be credited for being the first to break the silence on this issue, is a gentleman who says he found himself attracted to men at very young age, however, didn’t act on this feeling until he was in the military at the age of 19.  He says that for years he led a double life as he was married with children and still had an insatiable appetite for men that he fed regularly on the side.  The reason why he says he came out about this issue is because of the amount of heterosexual African American women turning up with HIV was steadily rising and this was partly to do with men not being truthful about their sexual exploits. 

If not to you, but to me, this is particularly scary because your man, husband or boyfriend doesn’t have to be the “type” that is feminine or metrosexual to be considered suspect.  He could be a thug, a very masculine, hard-core man that just happens to like other men.  His friends may not even be suspect, because usually the D L man doesn’t have the stereotypical flamboyant gay friends.  So how can a woman be aware if her man is dippin’ his feet in the other end of the pool?

J. L. King has capitalized off of this terrorizing, in some cases fatal, irresponsible behavior by writing several books and creating a DVD about how to detect if your man is a switch hitter, a homo-thug or a man on the down low.  Even with all of his advice, still I wonder, how do you really know?  With men not being open about their sexuality and not always being careful about what they do, how can women trust who they are with?

 The only real thing that I can suggest is to learn your man, before he becomes your man, you should know him.  Be his friend first.  See what kind of guy he is before even considering jumping into his bed or in a relationship with him.  This is simple advice, but particularly important.  If you know him and the company he keeps that may help you to be able to get a better read on him and can better help you to determine his personality.  If you learn from the start that you two don’t click then that saves you a potential life long headache.  Asking imperative questions and discovering this in the beginning will help you further down the road. 

I would also suggest always keeping your eyes open.  Don’t ever think that ‘your man’ isn’t like that, because truth of the matter is, you never can tell.  Also, as with any sexual relationship be it heterosexual or homosexual you should always practice safe sex.  Being confident with your sexuality is the ability to ask questions about one’s past, it just shows how much you care for yourself and lets the other person know that you aren’t willing to play russian roulette with your life.  If the guy you’re seeing isn’t willing to be open about his sexuality, there’s a clue to run for the hills.  If he’s not going to be careful with his life then, what makes you think that he’ll be careful with yours?

J.L. King said in his book that a lot of men on the down low, don’t use protection during their romps on the wild side.  The reason being is because this makes them stop to think about what they are doing and causes them to be accountable.  They like to have spur of the moment sex so that they can blame their actions on being caught up in the moment, the alcohol or whatever other excuse that they conjure up.  Let’s not be foolish, the government and other private entities have spent a ton of money on the safe sex campaign over the past 15-20 years, enough so that any person who has taken the responsibility of having sex should not hesitate in asking someone their status, if they’ve been tested and to wear a condom. 

Finally as I always have to tie it up with some spiritual expertise, before you go out starting on the prowl looking for you next beau, you ought to consult with your Lord and ask Him to show you to your man that He’s created for you.  Going out of His will and taking such advances on your own could lead you to the wrong person and a life of heartaches and pain.  Be prayerful in your dating.  Don’t be so quick to pounce on a new piece of meat just cause it looks ’fresh.’

OPPS MADE YOU THINK!

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!

A once upon a time Pittsburgh Steeler, James Kearney Jr., was arrested  on December 5, 2008 on two counts of 2nd degree sexual assault of 17 year old female student.  James, 37 is now a coach at Princeton High School and also the physical education teacher at Joyce Kilmer Elementary School in Trenton, NJ.

Kearney came to the attention of authorities when someone at the school told the administration about the alleged relationship.  As reporters dove into Kearney’s past ex-colleagues reported that they do remember him being a little too touchy feely with the middle school aged girls.  There was even an anonymous report of a middle school parent recalling her daughter receiving gifts and letters from Kearney that left her daughter feeling uncomfortable with their relationship.  

Willis, Kearney’s attorney says it’s all rumors and rumors aren’t admissible in court and he’s confident that they will get this case thrown out.  

Kearney’s been released from jail on a $50,000 bail posted by his wife where they reside in Willingboro with their daughter.

Hmph, sounds to me like there are a bunch of skeletons rattling in his closet!!!  I’m almost 100% sure that this was not the first time something like this has happened with him, perhaps it’s just the first time that it’s become public.  

We’ll continue to follow up with the wannabe R. Kelly.  Terrible!!

THE TELL TELL SIGNS OF IF UR BFF WANTS TO BE UR BF

How many of you are ok with having opposite sex BFF’s? As for myself, I have always found better friends in men then in women.  Maybe it’s the cattiness that us women can sometimes get caught up in or maybe it’s the competition (similar to sibling rivalry) that can destroy a sisterly bond.  Either way, I’ve steered clear of too many girly relationships and have found some of my best friends in men. 

Now the flip side to having a best friend of the opposite sex can be the fact that there is obviously chemistry or else you wouldn’t be friends.  Now mix that with the laws of nature, opposites attract.  Men are attracted to women and women are attracted to men, when this is the case there can be some conflict in the relationship.  Let’s think about the movie Brown Sugar starring Taye Diggs and Sanaa Lathan these were childhood best friends that had a great relationship. She knew all about his life and he knew all about hers.  However, there was that chemistry that made them attracted to one another.  Where things got a little sticky was when he had a beautiful, successful fiance and she had an attractive, successful, and wealthy man of her own.  What were the signs that she was more interested in her BFF than her BF?

• She felt competition with his significant other
• She felt the need to be more poised and lady like when he was around so he could see her as a real woman and not just his friend
• She knew what he liked and catered to that

What about him? What were the signs that he was becoming more interested in her as a woman instead of just his best friend? The signs were pretty similar

• He questioned her beau’s sincerity
• compared what he would do if he were her bf
• was jealous about her relationship
• told her she was moving too fast with this guy

Ultimately, the way to tell if you BFF wants to knock an F off his title and make himself your new BF is to read between the lines.  If he seems to be siding with you and catering to those emotional hot spots when you’re telling him about your current love that might be a clue.  If he seems to continuously compare if you were his girl he’d do this or he’d do that, it could be a sign that he thinks of you in that way.  As I see it, there’s nothing wrong with a BFF’s hooking up after all, it’s best to have friendship as the foundation of any relationship.   The problem is when there are innocent bystanders that are involved in this awkward love triangle or quadrilateral.  If you are in a relationship with someone and you feel your heartstrings starting to be pulled in the direction of your BFF it’s time to have a talk.  As friends, you should be able to talk and sort out your feelings. You also need to be honest with your significant other so that they aren’t caught off guard when they see you traipsing off in the sunset in the arms of your BFF.  If you’re falling out of love with your current beau, as with any relationship, be honest and allow that person to go on and be loved by that person who would be able to love them better.  

Confessing your love for someone is always a hard thing to do, when there’s the possibility of rejection or just the fear of ruining what foundation you already have.  My thoughts are if you truly are friends and the feelings of a possible relationship are more one sided than a two way street, it’ll withstand and you’ll be able to laugh about it together as you’re sitting on the couch watching old re-runs of your favorite show and you’ll say “Remember, when you had the hots for me?”

WE’RE NOT TOGETHER, NOW CAN YOUR FAMILY LEAVE ME ALONE!?!

How long after leaving a relationship is it appropriate to still stay in contact with the family? Let’s say you had a relationship that lasted for several years and you got along well with their family and vice versa.  Unfortunately, the relationship fell apart, but you still have a relationship with the family… When do you leave the family alone? When should the kids stop calling you auntie  or uncle so and so and when do you stop celebrating family birthdays by sending cards and stopping by with a small gift? Can you ever officially break away from the family that thought of you as their daughter in law or son in law (to be)? I don’t know, it seems like it could be a difficult situation depending on how good your relationship was with the family.  

Now me, I always keep good relationships with the family of the person that I am with.  This can sometimes be a double edged sword if things don’t work out.  It’s even harder if children are involved.  In that case you may never get rid of them!  I don’t know about you but if I break it off with someone I don’t want to be bothered with them for a loooooong while (particularly if it was a serious relationship).  I don’t need any unnecessary memories of them or their family.  Having a close relationship can just pour salt on an open wound, if you know what I mean.  I don’t need his family calling to check on me.  I don’t need them trying to get us back together, giving either one of us false hope.  If we said it’s over it’s over, now just leave me alone!  Well that’s what you really want to say, but I’m too nice and would never say such a thing, at least not to their face.

Well my situation is a little different so I’m gonna ask for some help from you all, if you don’t mind.  This is is my dilemma:  My son’s father and I were together for many years however, somewhere along the line we grew apart which is common when young people get together, trying to play like adults.  Basically, I discovered post baby that we weren’t necessarily on the same playing field and just weren’t on the same level mentally at all.  

Ok so if I’m really honest with myself I knew we weren’t on the same level prior to my son, however, he was CUTE, I mean FINE, ok SUPER MODEL BORIS KUDJOE FINE, and so again being young and a little dumb… ok so maybe even hot in the pants, I fell in love with him knowing that he probably would never see in himself what I saw in him.  Remember that “Thug Passion” article….. well he was the inspiration behind that, anywhoo….

After having my beautiful son, of course now I had to at least try and make it work.  I wanted my piece of the “American Dream”, my “Happily Ever After” and so I tried to fix him, mold him and shape however I could to make him who I needed him to be.  Needless to say, this didn’t work.  He was who he was and I am who I am.  (BTW- now that it’s been years since the separation, he’s gotten his act together still not a fit for me, but I like to think I had a lot to do with his becoming a man).  Although, we’ve been separated and have gone our separate ways, I still have to deal with him and his family and I’ve made it a point to have a great relationship with them for my son’s sake.

Back to my dilemma, on holidays I buy gifts for the kids on his side of the family, on my son’s behalf, but heck we’re in a recession and it’s getting extremely expensive to manage!  That side of the family happens to like to procreate!  One brother and his wife have 5 kids, the sister has 2 (that’s fine), and another brother has 1 (even better) OH WAIT, and there’s another kid in there somewhere.  It may not sound that bad so far, however, when I’m adding an additional 9 kids onto my shopping list, that already consists of my son (who happens to deserve the world), parents, siblings and their children and wives, my debit/ credit cards take a beating!  Then when I put things into perspective they only have to buy 1 gift for my son a piece.  Purchasing for my son, their nephew, isn’t hurting their pockets in the least! Thinking on this I start to feel like…. should I really feel obligated to purchase gifts for his family? To be honest, they aren’t my family? I’m not these kids aunt and we really have no relation.  So what they buy for my son, they are supposed to, he IS their flesh and blood!!  Those kids however, aren’t mine, maybe my son’s but aren’t mine!!!

So I ask you what do you think? Taking all things into consideration, we were together for years, the kids know me and look at me as an aunt however, know that their uncle and I aren’t together, should I feel obligated to purchase gifts for that side of the family??? Please help me ease my holiday stress!

JUST BECAUSE HE’S CHRIST LIKE DOESN’T MAKE HIM MR. RIGHT

I want to welcome everyone back to The J Spot.  As I’m sure you’ve noticed I took a little break over the holidays, but now I’m back to talk, inform, share and converse if you will.  Over the break I was trying to decide what was going to be my next blog because I’ve been sitting on a few ideas for a while, but now that I’ve thought long and hard I feel I have been prompted to write this article.  I like the topic of this article so much that I hope to spring board this post into a literary piece which is as the above title states, Just because he’s Christ like doesn’t make him Mr. Right.

I think in this article a lot of my Christian women would be able to relate and I say this because single Christian women of course go to church for the Word but a lot of times also in hopes to find their mate, their man, and to have this crazy insane fairytale romantic relationship that only God has ordained.  As women we all have a list of what we want our potential mate to have and a Christian woman usually has a list that looks similar to this:

1. Born Again

2. Educated

3. Goal Oriented 

4. Comes from a good family

5. Attentive and so on…

As you pray over that list every night before bed, every brother you meet in church you’re wondering if he is the one, cause all you want and need is a Godly man in your life right? I feel you.  My question is, what if you meet a man who seemed to fit the bill, he’s attractive, articulate, intelligent and most of all he is Saved, Sanctified and Filled with the Holy Ghost but, months into the courting (that’s what we call it in the Lord) you start to notice character flaws that don’t necessarily go along with what you’re looking for, whatever those flaws may be they don’t seem to align to your picture of ending up living happily ever after, what do you do? Do you stay in the relationship because he’s a Christian brother and has potential and pray for God to change him into a better match for you or do you say, even though he is a Christian brother, I don’t think he’s right for me and move on? 

This is a hard one because I think first you should always consult the Lord in prayer regarding situations in your life but I also believe that some of us women in the church get so caught up with trying to find our husbands that we are scared to walk away from a relationship that we may want but may not necessarily be what God wants for us.  I think the idea of being a single person in the church is to use that time to be married to the Lord.  Let Him woo you and court you and allow for Him to show us what a man should be so that we can notice him when he does come along.  Most importantly we need to use our single time to allow for Him [God] to prepare us for that man that He’s made specifically for us.

I think that in a relationship that involves two people of course there are going to be some obstacles, why? Because we’re human.  People are going to sometimes butt heads whether they are a Christian couple or heathen.  My point is that if God makes a man for you knowing who you are long before you knew yourself, don’t you think He knows how to prepare a man for you? The man that He has for you is going to know how to come correct, with everything in order and not a hair out of place.  Loving that man is going to be easy.  He’s going to be humble and caring and all those little things that count he’ll be all that because he knows how a man is to love a woman especially a woman who he plans to make his wife.  

Woman in the church get caught up on titles, he’s the deacon, he’s an elder, he’s an assistant pastor and so on, but does that make him right? Right for you I mean? Not necessarily.  Just because he’s Christ like doesn’t make him Mr. Right.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MLK! NOW A DREAM REALIZED

WOW, who would’ve known that the words that he spoke  fourty five years ago would be so prevalent today.   It’s so amazing to me that today in our day and age, Dr. Martin Luther King’s dream will be realized in this day, 2009? What a pleasure and honor to be in this skinthat I’m in.  Enjoy today.  Enjoy this day that we live in.  Realize what a blessing we are able to witness and tell our children/grandchildren about.  We have to learn to take pride in ourselves and in our struggle and embrace where our ancestors have come from in order to allow us the lifestyle that we live today.  Let’s stop taking things for granted and make all of the ones who died for a reason, to not be in vain.  If we want change, it’s going to take more than a black president.  WE are going to have to help out in making his job easier and his burden lighter.  Let’s start by changing ourselves first.  Stand for a something, or else you’ll fall for anything.

 

Be blessed,

Daddy’s Girl aka MzCeo.

BLACK LOVE AT IT’S FINEST!!!

This was the most beautiful sight to see.  Not only do we have an example through President Obama of what we can aspire to be, but we also have a show of Black Love at it’s Finest in one of the most classy couples of our day, Barack and Michelle.  I don’t know what brought me to tears more, the fact that I have witnessed history being made through Barack Obama being elected the first African American into the highest position of office in our country? Or the fact that we also have a positive example of LOVE.  So many people have grown up in broken households or dysfunctional households and never got to witness their parents look at eachother with respect and admiration.  There are so little examples of this within our community or being showed on television, that I’m sure it leads to breakdowns in the children’s lives that have had to grow up in that way.  I am ecstatic that not only do we have a well qualified, highly educated, motivational, positive, well respected man to run our country but we also have an example of family.  We have two beautiful, highly educated, highly successful black people that exude love and a respect for eachother that is so sweet.  In their success they’ve remained very much down to earth and in touch with reality.  From their love they are raising two beautiful girls that seems so respectful and well groomed that you can tell that Barack and Michelle’s relationship has much to do with the reason why their lives are so fulfilled and why Sasha and Malea will grow to be so successful, not just in their education and careers, but in their social lives as well.

JUST INCASE YOU WANTED TO RELIVE A BIT OF HISTORY

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, ONE OF THE GREATEST ORATOR’S OF OUR TIME! PRAY FOR OUR PRESIDENT, IT’S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN HUMAN STRENGTH TO ENDURE HIS TERMS AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.  IT IS GOING TO TAKE SUPERNATURAL WISDOM AND PROTECTION, GUIDANCE AND COVERING TO KEEP HIM.  IT’S ALSO GOING TO TAKE US TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE, SERVE WHERE WE ARE NEEDED, RECOGNIZE WHAT WE ARE CALLED TO BE AND BE JUST THAT.  

AMEN

LOVE AND BASKETBALL

How random is the title for this article? LOL it kind of just popped into my head as I was thinking about what’s my next topic and I ran with it.  How many of you have seen that movie, Love and Basketball starring Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan? If you haven’t seen this movie, it is a must see.  It’s probably one of my all time favorite urban love stories.  What got me to thinking about the movie was the story line.  

In the movie, Sanaa plays a tomboy basketball star athlete that is best friends with Omar Epps who is a son of a pro basketball player and a popular star athlete himself.  When they were younger they went out but it didn’t last very long, as they got older they remained friends and she loved him from a far.  As the movie progresses we finally see this couple get together in college.  She was the female rookie star and he was the anticipated, breakout basketball star.  Where the love story starts to get serious is when “Q” played by Omar Epps finds out that his dad is cheating on his mother and gets another woman pregnant.  Q, distraught by this news, tries to confide in Monica [Sanaa] but she has to make curfew or else she wouldn’t get her long awaited chance to finally start in their next game.  Ultimately, because of her unwillingness to sit and listen, and his unwillingness to understand how important starting the game would be to her, he cheated and they broke up.

Years had gone by and she went off to play overseas and Q was drafted to the NBA.  As time passed their parents remained neighbors.  Monica finally returned back to the states after retiring her career in Europe to finding out that Q was engaged to be married.  Of course she never stopped loving him (or else it wouldn’t be much of a love story) and so at the climax of the movie, she decides to play him in a game of one-on-one for his heart.  If he won she’d leave him alone and if she won she would get his heart.  After some convincing of Q he agreed to the game and they both played their hearts out to the finish… Q won.  As Monica walked away, sweaty with tears in her eyes and a broken heart, he said “hey… double or nothing?” Which made me and probably every other girl who’s watched this movie break down in tears!  He loved her and wanted her just as much as she wanted him, which is what pretty much every girl wants to hear.  It was just the sweetest thing, but also very emotional.  I can just imagine how Sidney felt, loving a man for so long.  Sure she made a mistake and could’ve handled the situation back in college differently but so could he. 

Now this scenario isn’t the exact theme of my article but tell me how do you feel about fighting for a man? As in the movie, the other woman was oblivious to the fact that Sanaa was in love with her man and he still in love with her.  There was no direct competition between the two women, but what about Sanaa’s character? Would you have fought for your man, or the man that you thought you deserved? Would you have waited out while your “other half” dated and loved on other women when you thought all the while he should be just loving on you? Me, (in my former life) I didn’t consider myself much as a fighter when it comes to a situation like to this.  I feel if I come to a man after there has been mistakes on both parts that initially I might be moved to do what I had to do in order to prove my love, but after a while of him not being willing to see what I had to offer, I’m sure in no time I’d be over the whole situation.  Why? Because who likes to have their feelings hurt? Who likes to be let down? Certainly not me.  I do not believe in wasting time.  I feel that there are too many other things in this life to do, and why waste time on someone or something that isn’t concrete? Hey, if you can’t see what you have standing in front of you then your loss, right? 

But even with my “time waits for no man” philosophy I have learned over the years that patience is a virtue.  It’s something that we all need to work on and me particularly.  I’ve always been the girl to have things come easily to her and didn’t ever have to wait very long for anything quite honestly.  So to wait for something, almost turns me off.  We live in an age of instant gratification and I am a direct product of that type of thinking.  I like it, I want it and I get it.  Just like that.  Whether that be men, material things, or other similar things.  As I’ve gotten older and gone through situations, I’ve learned that some things are worth sticking it out and fighting for, even when things get a little ugly. No, I still don’t believe in wasting time but I think that some things or some people for that instance are worth a little more time and consideration.  Picking up and leaving when times get hard can only show a person that if they were in a relationship with you that you may not be trustworthy with their feelings.  If when times get rough, and usually it will, your solution is running away from a situation, that only shows that in the future if you are given a chance at a relationship with your dream guy, you might just do what you know how to do best, run!  Sometimes it’s worth being a little bit vulnerable and sitting tight and waiting for things to come together. 

So if you are anything like me,  and are quick too protect your heart from any unwanted incidents take a moment and assess the situation carefully.  Read between the lines, and see if it is truly in your best interest to leave or stay.  Remember the saying, “good things come to those who wait…”

IS VALENTINE’S REALLY ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE?

I wanted to do a Valentine’s post because I think us women get so worked up over this man made holiday.  Is it really about this one day that you and your beau get to enjoy eachother and spend special time together or is this something that you and your significant other should be doing often? To me it’s not all about the candy and gifts, although gifts are nice, it’s more about what are you doing for me everyday to show that you care? What are you doing for me when I get home from work and you’re there first? What do you say to me to make me feel special? What do you give me regularly to let me know you care? It’s the little things that count in my eyes.  Not doing anything year round and then on that one day you try to make up for all of your lack of attention and TLC, doesn’t cut it.

I went to the mall after work today, and there were so many men looking lost as they walked through Victoria Secrets or stores like Macy’s and Sephora looking for a special gift for their lady.  There were also couples holding hands and smiling in eachother’s faces as they walked and talked and enjoyed themselves after dinner.  Days like Valentine’s Day should be everyday.  Love will make you want to make the person that you’re with happy every day and buy things for that person just because.  Love will make you want to make that person happy and tell them that they are handsome or beautiful.  In order to get the most out of your relationship these things have to be done on a regular and consistent basis.

So ladies, if your man doesn’t come home with some outrageously expensive gift next Valentine’s but he makes up for it in showing you just how much he adores you everyday, cut the brotha some slack.  Valentine’s day isn’t the only day that counts, it’s just the day that the world recognizes it.

HOW CAN U MOVE FORWARD IF U’RE SO FOCUSED ON THE PAST?

Well you know me, I like to blog about things that I may have gone through personally or someone close to me has gone through and I try to write about it globally so that we all can converse and grow from the things that we go through emotionally and in relationships. Well this is one of those topics!  What I wanted to touch on today was, how can you move forward if you are so focused on what’s happened in the past?

How many of you have been in a situation where you’re in a relationship or some kind of situation with a person that you care about, no one is perfect so of course she makes mistakes and he makes mistakes.  But whatever you did, no matter how big or small, keeps getting brought up? How can you move on? How can you move past those things and bring your relationship to a higher level?

Let’s put this to a few different scenarios and see how things play out.  Ladies this is for you: What happens if you’re in a relationship and say it’s just not moving or progressing as you think that it should.  You’re spending a lot of time together, you’re doing what lovers do.  But no commitment.  You try to express what you’re feeling and what you need in order for you to remain involved, yet and still not what you want to hear.  What do you do? Some women at this point, may be willing to stay and wait around but some women may not.  For those women who choose to not stay but decide that it’s time to move on, you go on and start back out dating.  As fate would have it, you run back into the guy you left who had commitment issues.  You still love this guy, in fact you never stopped loving him, maybe you just felt you had to prove a point, that you weren’t always gonna be at his disposal.  He accepts you back into his life, but it seems that whenever there is a difficult time in the relationship that it’s ok to remind you of how you walked away, no matter how justified your decision to leave was.  He can’t get past it.  What do you do? How do you get him or help him to move on? Can you even help him move on? In my opinion, I feel as though, if he allowed her back into his life, he should’ve considered the options.  He should’ve thought about if he was going to be able to handle all the feelings that would confront him for letting this person back into his life.  For him to bring up the past at every rough patch, shows me that he hasn’t truly forgiven her for the choices that she made.

First discovery: unforgiveness.

You can never be successful in any relationship (professional, romantic, etc.) that you have with anyone if you are unable to forgive.  Reason being, everyone will hurt you at some point.  It may not be intentional but we’re only human, which means we’re imperfect.  We’re not made to be perfect we should only strive to be.  So if you’re going to carry around all this unforgiveness for every person who has wronged you, you’re going to be walking around with a very heavy burden to bare.  I believe if you truly forgive someone, you may not forget what they did, but you don’t regurgitate every wrong that someone has done because you care about that person.  If you are trying to work past something, you leave things where they are and keep you head forward, never to look back.

Guys: What about if you were in a relationship with your lady for a while and one night you went out with friends, ran across an old fling, one thing lead to another and you ended up cheating on your girl.  To make things worst, she found out and every chance she gets she’s throwing things in your face, accusing you, telling you about all the opportunities that she had to cheat and so on.  You are genuinely sorry and remorseful for what you did and want to work things out.  You try to stay home, avoid hanging out with your boys, do nice things, buy her gifts and make special evenings but whenever there is a disagreement here she goes, running off at the mouth, accusing and insinuating and reminding you of what you did.  How does that make you feel? You kind of start to get discouraged, like wow I’m doing all this to make things work and she keeps talking about what happened!  It’s been like a year and you’ve been on the straight and narrow and she still continues to harp on the situation, when will she get over it?

First discovery:  unforgiveness

Second discovery:  no trust Two very important things here.  She hasn’t forgiven him for cheating on her.  She still hurts and reminds herself of what he did daily and whenever he does something she doesn’t like, she’s like a pot boiling over with pain and frustration and gives it to him every chance she gets.  In her mind that’s revenge for hurting her.  Also, most importantly there is no trust.  How can you maintain and grow a relationship without some level of trust or faith in that person? Once, she learns to forgive and not forget but let go, then she can start to trust him again.

In either case, both parties have to be willing right? Love is a two way street.  Each person has to be willing to take a chance with the other, they have to both be willing to trust and forgive and love eachother in spite of.  If you can’t take the good with the bad, then maybe you aren’t ready to be in a relationship at all.

My thing is, if you are in a relationship and there are things that may have hurt you, talk about it and if you decide that you still love this person after the fire dies out then move forward and look ahead to brighter days.  Any relationship worth it’s weight didn’t come easy.  It wasn’t always peaches & cream.  It’s seen it’s days of turmoil, and dysfunction it was their love and passion for eachother and the understanding that you have to have certain common element in order for things to work i.e.  trust, a forgiving heart, respect of one another and love.  That’s what allowed them to make it through.  A relationship with a person, where there has never been an argument, or any hurt probably won’t last when it finally does come up against stormy weather, because it won’t know how to weather the storm.

Next time you get in a disagreement and that person that you loved just a few minutes before says or does something to upset you and you want to remind them of what they did, why don’t you ask yourself, how can I move forward if I keep focusing on the past? If that doesn’t work, think about if the shoe was on the other foot, how would it feel if someone did that to you? Or if it’s too much to handle and you don’t think that you’ll ever get past it… LEAVE!

A MAN CAN GET SCORNED TOO!

Usually when people talk about someone being scorned or carrying around baggage, they’re usually referring to a woman being scorned, i.e “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” however, have you ever wondered how a man turned out the way he did? Have you ever wondered how a guy that had so much potential to be a great man, boyfriend, or husband always fell short and had some kind of insecurity issue? Ever wonder maybe what could’ve happened in his past that turned him this way? Or maybe what happened that he turned into such a dog or male whore? Is it just instinct for him to be a total player or did some girl break his heart and ever since then he built up a guard stronger than the great wall of China?!? Trust me it happens!  Women aren’t the only ones who carry baggage from relationship to relationship.  Men do the same thing, they aren’t immune to hurt like some of us think!  They have feelings too, eventhough they may have a different form of communication and don’t always  show their feelings in the same way that us women do.  Men process emotions differently than women, and when they do get hurt it can sometimes be too much for him to process and so the best way to cope is to shut that part of himself down and not deal with the pain.  Think about it, how many men you know go around wearing their heart on their sleeve? Not too many, this is because men are brought up to be “manly men” they are raised to show power and authority (tears and emotions are not seen as “manly” but as ”girly”) because of this being ingrained in the very roots of their being, it takes a lot for him to let his guard down, that when he does and the woman he trusted breaks his heart, he is apt to swear off women for all eternity.  Only if he is willing and a suitable candidate comes along, will a “Good Guy Gone Bad” consider leaving his doggish ways behind. 

I have a very good friend of mine, who happens to be very attractive, intelligent, articulate, educated and all around good guy that any woman would love to have but happens to have some issues.  Have you ever seen a guy that was ALL of THAT and you wondered, why he may have been single and why some woman hadn’t scooped him up yet, or maybe after getting to know him a little better, you’re saying to yourself, “oh I see why…” not to say that he is THAT guy, but he does have some emotional scar tissue that he needs to get surgically removed so that he can just move on with his life, with the right woman who is willing to love him and not hurt him, but his previous poor judgement in women, has left him scorned. 

A bad marriage and a string of sour relationships with not so worthy girls has left him skeptical of any new relationships that presents itself.  I can see him sometimes waiting for things to happen, just so he can say to himself, “see told you so, woman aint sh%t!”  That’s not a good place to be in when all you really want to do is be happy with someone who is deserving.  And it’s hardly fair to the innocent woman who is just trying to love this guy.

On the other hand, I have another guy friend who is also going through a divorce but he is a little more resillient in the fact that he isn’t leaving his marriage scarred to the core but more aware and now, knows what to expect.  He’s another typical nice guy, but I don’t expect him to try and wife someone up quickly.  I presume that he’ll play the field,  see if he’s still got it and go on the dog trail for a while before bringing it back home to wife up some lucky lady in the future. 

So ladies, what do you do when you come across a guy that you really do love, but he has some issues with women, at the time you meet him? Do you ride it out and really try to prove to him your worthiness (I would only consider this is he weren’t a man whore, but just had some committment issues)? Or do you let him go, because his insecurities aren’t your problem and are too much to bare? Well the decision is yours of course, all of our actions have a consequence. 

The man I claim, when I met him he was confident in himself, or so I thought for a while, but there were some underlying issues that had surfaced.  At first, I couldn’t deal.  Thought that if he couldn’t handle a little bit of pain like I could then maybe he wasn’t  strong enough for me.  Time apart without cease of feelings and chemistry continually brought us back together and now…. guess what I learned? Love is enough to heal all wounds, well…. love coupled with time and patience is all I had to add to the recipe for a happy ending.

DATING WITH CHILDREN

How many of you know that dating with children can be hard to do? It can be hard whether you are single and dating a man or woman with children, it’s hard if you are on the other end of the spectrum and you are the single parent but the person you’re seeing doesn’t and/or may not understand that you can’t always spend nights out or they may not be able to stay over whenever they’d like.  It can be difficult trying to explain why you can’t be as spontaneous as you would like, while hoping that the guy/girl that you’re interested in understands and is still interested in your despite you lack of freedom at times.  Also as a single parent, both single dads and moms alike, how many of you agree that the potential mate doesn’t have to just impress you and win your heart, but it’s even more important to win the heart of your child(ren)? Ironically enough, it can even get difficult among two single parents trying to make it happen.  It seems to me that either way you look at it, “Dating with children” is just plain hard.

For the single person dating a single parent partner, first and foremost you have to consider all factors before making things official.  I say this because most good parents will not allow you to meet their child(ren) until they are certain of you, and it is a major breakthrough to the next level of your relationship if they do.  If the relationship ever fell apart, though you may not be biologically this child’s parent, they have become close to you and bonded with you.  Walking away from your mate also involves walking away from the child(ren) after such a connection takes place.  In some cases, this can take a toll on him or her.  If you don’t think that you can step up in the place of the absentee parent when necessary and support the person you’re with, then maybe you should keep the relationship casual and let it be known that you aren’t comfortable being considered for that role.  

You also have to be understanding to the fact that his or her responsibilities lie with the child first.  If you have some attention issues and need everything to be about you all the time, leave the parent alone and date a single person! Have you ever heard of a mate getting jealous of the time and affection a he or she may give to their child instead of them? I have, and at the first glimpse of that tendency I’d send his butt packing!  As a single parent, my son comes first, any man that I consider to be a life partner with me, has to understand that, respect that and expect that.  We are a package deal, you can not have one without the other.  If you don’t like our two for one special that’s perfectly fine but just know that I am not the one!   

Before dating a person with a child understand that this person can’t hang out until all hours of the night with you and you may not be allowed to come to their house for a while.  You may not be able to call them at 4:45 Friday afternoon and say “baby I got us two tickets to paradise for the weekend, what do you say?” without hearing some hesitation in his/her voice because he/she is uncertain of if they are going to be able to get a babysitter.  You can’t say to him or her “shut your phone off, I just want it to be about us with no interruptions…” because you might get a response like, “uh uh, what if there’s an emergency and I’m not able to be reached??” said with a look like “don’t you get it!?!”  If this isn’t something you bargained for then don’t even bother, no matter how tempting the person is, otherwise you’ll be setting yourself and the potential beau up for unnecessary headaches!

Probably one of the MOST important things to know when dating a parent is that their child(ren) is their world.  To get to his/her heart is through their child(ren).  It has to be a genuine love and respect for the child.  If it isn’t the child can sense it and so can the parent.  It’s sad but true how there are instances where a woman can be so desperate for a man, that despite the signs, she forces her child to like him.  Even worst when she then closes her eyes to the fact that he doesn’t really like the child, has no respect for either of them and leaves the door open for anything to happen.  You have to know that if the child has a valid reason for not liking you, a good parent would consider their thoughts and opinions before considering you and 9 times out of 10 if the baby doesn’t like you, you’ll be out the door before you know it!  So if you really aren’t into kids, don’t front just leave well enough alone.

Parents dating single people… need I say more? It can work provided the single person knows the rules and respects the rules of the relationship.  But I’ve found that even being a single parent, dating a single parent or a person with child can also be intimidating.  I say that because as a parent you realize how crucial it is to make a good impression on the child and get the child to genuinely like you because you already know that this can have a direct affect on how your relationship will or won’t evolve.  Depending on how much you like the person, you rack your brain all day leading up until the day that you finally meet, trying to remember all the things that he/she likes so you can find commonality and you’re just praying that you say and do all the right things. It can be stressful!  

I think the age of the child can also be intimidating.  Starting a relationship with someone who has a fairly young child can be far less intimidating then starting a relationship with someone who’s child(ren) is pre-teen or a teenager.  At that age, their harmones are in full swing and they can be a little defiant, they may act out just trying to see who’s boss with the parent.  There can be all sorts of little power plays that the kid may do just to see if they can get it off.  At that age that it can throw you for a loop and depending on how intense and how much the parent let’s the child get away with, there may be days that make you want to throw in the towel!  

Dating a person with children can be a beautiful thing if you just have such a love for the person that you love their child as an extension of them.  Sure once the children realize that mom or dad is really serious and considering taking things further, there may be some bumpy days and a little power play, but all it takes is a little assurance of the parent to child, that no matter how much mommy or daddy loves this other person it could never replace the love that you have for them and that they will always be your favorite person.  Once they understand that you’re not replacing them but just adding to your family, they’ll stop the act and receive them in open arms, they do ultimately want to see their parent happy.  So though, there is an unwritten protocol for dating a person with a child and there are things to seriously consider prior to taking things to the next level once you have taken the leap and gotten over the initial stress of it all, it can be a beautiful thing.

BOYFRIEND #2? MAYBE WE JUST NEED AN EPIPHANY!

How many out there have heard that new song, Boyfriend #2 by Pleasure P formally of “Pretty Ricky”? He sings a hot song entitled Boyfriend #2.  Here’s the video for all of you who haven’t seen:

So what do you think? Ladies how many of you out there have what Pleasure P has tagged as a boyfriend #2? Is there a side piece that you call when your man isn’t doing the right thing? Or when he’s not spending QT? Who are you calling? Is it a friend that turned into a friend with benefits? 

Guys what about you? How do you feel about being a boyfriend #2? Is she your girlfriend #2? Would you consider wifing her up if the opportunity presented itself? Does it bother you at all that she has a main dude and you just fill in from time to time or do you like the line that Pleasure P says “don’t mind being number 2 cause there’s a lot of room to grow?” 

What’s funny to me is that I’m actually dissecting this song but the reason why I found reason to do so is because I think the topic is very prevalent to our dating society.  There is a such thing as a boyfriend/girlfriend #2.  He or she does exist so ladies and gents that may not be treating your significant others right then you better be on the lookout, there’s always someone waiting in the wings ready to fill in your spot!

Songs such as this has been on the radio for sometime.  I was listening to a throwback by Xscape, “My Little Secret” and that song contains lyrics like “you’re my little secret and that’s how we should keep it, it’s on everybody’s mind about you and I they think so but they don’t really wanna know… I like being in the room with you and your girlfriend the fact that she don’t know, that really turns me on, she’ll never guess in a million years that we got a thing going on…” 

My thing is do we really need a boyfriend/girlfriend number 2? If your beau isn’t doing right by you, and you’ve given your all trying to tell him/her what they are doing wrong before you are pushed into the arms of boyfriend/girlfriend number 2 then maybe we should pop in a little Chrisette Michelle and listen to her new single “Epiphany.”

*singing “well I think I’m just about over being your girlfriend, I’m leaving I’m leaving…”*

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

Have you ever wondered how a man thinks? And why it’s so different from the way we women think? How can two people of the same species be so different and find it so hard to communicate? Well finally there is a man who has broken the “Playas Rule #1″ and has let us women in on a few key secrets that make up a man and ways to understand them. 

For the last few days, whenever I’ve had the extra time, usually before bed, I’ve been reading Steve Harvey’s handbook “Act like a Lady, Think like a Man.”   In this book, Steve has laid out some common sense, practical skill sets when dealing with a man, whether you are trying to find one, keep one or just learn about them for future reference.  In his book, he has chapters named “What Drives Men,”  ”The Three Things Every Man Needs: Support, Loyalty and the Cookie,” “First Things First, He Wants to Sleep with You,” and so on…

I found this book to be very interesting because a lot of the “secrets” most of us know but most of us forget them or take it  for granted.  It was nice to read a book geared towards women, written by a man.  A lot of books geared towards women are written by women who proclaim to know a lot about men, and they may know a wealth of information but there is nothing like the upfront, in your face, hardcore truth of a man’s perspective! 

While reading this book, I found that there are some things that were right on the money, for example, there is a chapter that talks about getting your man to marry you.  Basically, he’s saying it’s nothing wrong to set the course in a relationship, tell him what you expect and stick to it.  Lay it out there on the line that you don’t want to play games and that what you want is a meaningful relationship.  Steve says that you should tell him of your plan:  If it’s two years from now you would like to be married, don’t let him propose and then never set a date and you turn out engaged for 5-10yrs, knowing full well in his mind he never intends to marry you.  The engagement was just to keep your mouth shut and buy him some more time! 

This is great  info!  Why is it that we have a hard time telling a man what we expect? I’m all about setting the correct expectations.  I try to do it everyday in my work life so.  So why when it comes to our personal lives and our hearts, do we get “scared” when it’s time to tell a man how we feel and what we expect?

IT’S BECAUSE WE’RE SCARED THAT WE’RE GOING TO SCARE HIM AWAY!!!

That’s such a poor excuse for not being the driver to our own destiny.  If by telling a man what you expect scares him away, then he wasn’t the man for you and at least you didn’t waste your time.  Why be concerned with a man who wasn’t for you in the first place? If he leaves because he wants to play, let him.  You don’t want him.  You want the man who is after what you are after, and I do believe that they are out there.  We just probably aren’t giving them the time of day, because we’re too stuck on the ones who aren’t even worth it!

From this book, Steve has reminded me that a man’s driving goal when, they find the right woman, is to be her problem solver.  If we have a problem and take it to our man, if he cares he’ll try to figure out a solution.  If we don’t have money to cover all of this months bills, if he cares, he’ll try his best to give you what he has, even if that means he’s broke.  If we have car trouble he’ll try his best to fix it, find someone to fix it or if he doesn’t have the means at least he’ll use his car to take you where ever you need. 

I’ve also learned that the way men were raised, which is to be a provider and a protector, plays a very important role in how they interact with women as adults.  A man is taught to have a job and keep one so that he can one day support his family.  Until a man finds his career (no matter what that career choice is) he can’t focus on a serious relationship.  If your man hasn’t found himself then you have to go on and allow that man to find himself so that he can be happy with himself most importantly and then find happiness in you.  When he doesn’t have all of that in place, he can’t really focus on a life with you, because how will he support you? (that very question will weigh heavily on his mind until he’s found a way).

Basically, this book is a plain spoken, well put together truths of the male psyche .  If you are unsure about someone that you’re dating. Read the book.  I’m sure it’ll remind you of some things that you already know…

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DEAR DIARY,

Hi faithful dedicated readers!  First and foremost my apologies for neglecting this site the way that I have.  As of late, I’ve been letting other things take my time, forgetting how therapeutic it is to write and just get my feelings out of my mind and out into cyberspace!  Today started off great, I had my “family” all under one roof.  I cooked breakfast for my loved ones and then we started our day.  Well maybe I should back up a bit, let me give you a little insight on my situation.  My beau and I currently have two different addresses (simply put we do not live together).  We both have children, I have a 10 year old son and he has a soon to be 13 year old daughter.  His daughter doesn’t live with him, but visits every other weekend.  My son of course lives with me.  He and I spend a great deal of time together, so much so that sometimes I feel torn between the two men I love.  I want to spend as much time as I can with both of them and it’s becoming rather difficult to do.

Lately he and I have been talking about getting a place together because it would be so much easier to for us to live being that we spend so much time together.  We’ve been talking about it so much so that we’ve even gone to see a few places together with the kids.  I really thought that was a sign that we were taking things to the next level.  Well after spending what seemed to be a great day hanging out with family and friends, networking and just having fun the night surely did turn.  After we had gotten home I went straight to the kitchen to prepare two hearty trays of homemade fresh baked ziti one for my house and one for his so that he wouldn’t have to worry about lunch or dinner for a few days.  I’m sweating like a slave in the kitchen cooking up my man a meal and then when everything is all in the oven to cook I venture downstairs to watch tv with the rest of the gang.  Well the kids must’ve been being a little aggravating and so he leaned over and said something to me like, “and this is why I have to think further about us moving in together.”  My first reaction was like, well I’ve seen some behavior that makes me say, I really have to make sure that I’m ready for this, but I overlook it and say I love him… I can deal with that.  So instead I say, “that wasn’t very nice to say” and start to get up to go back in the kitchen.  He grabs my hand and says what? As if he had no clue of what he just said and what I heard him say.  I remind him quickly of what he just said and said that wasn’t cool.  He apologized for what he said, saying that he didn’t really mean it that way and that it’s been on his mind and he was meaning to mention this to me earlier.

We bring the conversation upstairs, away from the children and begin to try to sort things out.  He shares with me his concerns about moving in together, he’s not quite where he wants to be financially and doesn’t want to bring any unnecessary issues in the relationship.  I told him that he needed to do exactly what he saw fit and what I needed was stability.  I didn’t like the uneasy feeling that I got with him when it came to certain issues.  I felt like we were flying high, all was well and my dreams were coming true and then just like that the carpet had been pulled out from under me.  I told him that if you’re going to say something mean it.  It’s hurtful and embarrassing that someone can be so wishy washy with their feelings and it makes me nervous.  Instead of my issues with him being addressed he wanted to go back and talk about what he already said, of which I said I had no problems with…  So of course, again I reiterated what I did have the problem with, which was the uncertainty, the instability.  Instead of the situation being resolved, he became upset with me and was ready to go.  Well I asked him to come back so that we could talk a bit further before he left like that, but that didn’t work he was still upset, we couldn’t communicate effectively and there was nothing resolved.  In fact, he just walked out on me.  He told me to call him when he got home, we’ll talk further then and he walked out the door.

For me personally, it really bothers me when someone does that, because it seems like a sign of not caring for someone.  I wouldn’t walk out on someone, especially if they were feeling some type of way.  So I waited until he got home and asked if we could talk because I had some things on my mind that I’d like to sort out.  That conversation was shot to hell because I hardly got a word in edgewise and by the end of the conversation, he was yelling (while I had consciously kept an even, low tempered speaking voice) and then he hung up on me because he was too frustrated to be bothered.  After he hung up he texts me with some other stuff that nothing to do with anything that we were talking about and I just felt like what’s the use? All the things that I do, to show that I love him.  I try to be there every way that I can for him but it can’t possibly be good enough this is what he chooses to talk about instead of just being an ear and hearing me out the way that I had asked.

What am I supposed to do? Am I to go on feeling like I’m giving so much of myself eventhough I still have needs that aren’t being met? Do I just let this go, and chalk it up to experience? What am I to do? I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  I want so much for this to work out because I do love him, but it seems that there is issue after issue and often I feel like I am the one to blame.  I’d much rather count my losses sooner than later, but what do you do when your mind and your heart conflict? Which one do you listen to? My mind being rational says don’t listen to how your emotions “feel” to you right now, because feelings are fickle.  In a few hours, I’ll be feeling less like this and more like something else.  My mind also tells me that it’s not right to be in a situation where you don’t feel 100% valued, and a situation where it’s going to be all that you want and need in the long run.  I don’t want to waste my time on another situation that goes nowhere, delaying my meeting with “Mr. Right” if there actually is one.

So….  What do you say? What would you do?

Love,

MzCeo

Will We Ever Get Married????

How long will you wait before he proposes and would you ever consider proposing to him yourself?

How many ladies have asked themselves this question and seriously considered it? I know most of us have always dreamed of the perfect man, and the perfect proposal, but a lot of us “millenium women” are taking matters into our own hands and popping the question themselves! Are you one of them?

How long are you willing to wait before your man proposes? A Facebook friend “Romance is Served” asked this question to all of his friends last week and both men and women responded.  It seemed that it was a common trend that the women said 2yrs.  It was somewhat surprising that some of the men said it didn’t take them that long to realize that the woman they were with were Mrs. Right.  Now that I think of it, this falls in line with Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  In the book Steve says a man knows when he’s met Mrs. Right, but it’s the woman who ultimately has control on how long it’ll take him to propose.  A man knows if you’re a keeper or a throw away, it doesn’t take him long to figure you out.  We have to utimately set the expectation with our men about what we would like and fill him in on that plan and if he’s down for the ride he’ll let us know.  Steve says if he’s not with that plan then he’ll walk away and we the women will be better off for it.

Personally, I think that I would wait 2yrs for a proposal, if the relationship didn’t look like where I wanted to go in that time, I would bring up  my thoughts (not that it would be my first time saying so) and see if we could be on the same page, if we couldn’t I’d walk away.  I would never want to stay in a relationship just because it was convenient or comfortable, especially if what he wanted was just to shack up and what I wanted was to make it official.  One year to get the niceties out of the way, one year to really look at that person as a potential husband and then assess the relationship, see if it’s worth pursuing, otherwise decide that if it’s not going where we want it to go cut our losses.  I really am just nervous of wasting precious time.  Life is too short, I’d rather spend less time on the nonsense and more time on the things that make me happy.

I THINK I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND…

QUESTION: How do you eliminate jealousy in a relationship?

Many believe that you can’t, it’s just a fact of life and we have to learn how not to let it get the best of us.  I suppose that is true, and one, regardless of how secure they are, in the right situation jealousy can rear it’s ugly head.  So I was lead to poll my FB family once again and ask the public how they feel about jealousy and in turn I learned that it all boils down to security.  Well, how do you make your partner feel secure? One FB’er said, “Make sure you treat your partner like number one ALL the time…be genuine with it as well.”  I happen to agree positive reinforcement always helps.  Men, let your woman know how sexy she is to you, tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is.  That way even if a woman walks in the room that even she can admit is beautiful, she wouldn’t feel threatened.  Believe it or not ladies, you have to do the same thing for your man.  Our men want to know that they still turn us on.  They want to know that what they put on looks good on them.  They want to know that we still find them sexy and attractive.  You don’t want to send your man out the house, looking for praise from another woman, because you know another woman will be quick to give it, trust and believe!!!

Another said, “Stay off FB and MySpace!” This then took our conversation off in a whole new direction.  Now that everyone is on the internet, it takes cheating, flirting and dating to a whole new level.  These social networks that we all belong to makes, hooking up with “new or old friends” super easy and convenient and can put your relationship in jeopardy.  A lot of the feedback I received is “do not friend your mate on social networking sites!!”  Reason being is because one can find themselves getting unusually jealous if someone of the opposite sex comments on our man’s or woman’s pictures or posts a little more often than we would like! One of my FB friends admits, “Girl I definitely agree that FB can mess a relationship up!  No matter how much your significant other tells you it’s nothing, it becomes hard to not feel some kind of way when you see other females commenting on their status and photos.”  She also goes on to say, “I have gotten into numerous disagreements with my man regarding compliments girls have left.  Now a lot of people who know us, know we’re together and I found myself at times making sure I wrote, “Hey baby” on his wall or comment after these women who want him! Girls are a mess because they don’t even care that he’s involved!  At the end of the day he loves the attention and I find myself being inspector gadget and telling him to put these girls in their place!  Unfortunately men see things completely different and find no harm in comments on FB, when us women want to “f” something up!”

I had another FB friend say, “My husband and I aren’t friends on any site…  I’m sure I’d see something I don’t approve of that he thinks is innocent…  It can create unnecessary jealousy between couples, one person might see their significant other complimenting a photo of a person of the opposite sex and they might get upset because their significant other doesn’t compliment them often, or they think too much conversation is taking place.”  All good reasons that we concluded that it probably isn’t a great idea to have social networking pages if the other mate isn’t comfortable.  Or if you do agree to have a page, don’t friend the person you’re with, spare them the embarrassment or the anxiety of searching out these men and woman that you are friends with.  I do have to admit, I know quite a few couples that have been successful at friending eachother and maintaining their sanity and relationships.  I think that it is primarily because they all know eachother’s friends.  If there is someone that they think is going to cause problems such as an ex or an old crush they simply don’t friend them, because it’s not worth it.

Jealousy is never a fun or healthy situation to deal with, but we can try to ease it when it does happen.  Always, always, always reassure your mate of how you feel about them both physically and emotionally.  Give them the attention that they seek, so that way they’re not searching for attention from others.  You want to saturate them with attention and compliments so much so, that it’s not a shock or so much of a surprise to hear it from a stranger because they hear it so much from you at home.

If you are experiencing that social networking sites are making unnecessary ripples in your pond, communicate with eachother how you feel.  If you already are friends on eachother’s page, maybe it is best to come to an agreement of sorts, not to friend ex’s or old crushes that are possibly interested in hooking up again.  Also, it may not be a good idea to friend someone who you think isn’t going to have respect for your relationship.  If you do have a friend that tends to step out of line with suggestive comments agree to take immediate action to straighten them out, or delete them from your page.  If you aren’t friends with eachother and maybe concerned about why, don’t be, if you trust the person you’re with trust that they will not disrespect you and take social networking too far.

Good luck and happy dating!

Singing “I think I’m jealous of your girlfriend”

MzCeo

STOP SPYING ON MY TWITTER!!!

It’s becoming more and more apparent that with all of the social networking that is available to us, with just a few clicks of a button on either our MacBooks or our iPhones, that spying on our mate is what’s getting a lot of our relationships into trouble.  The truth of the matter is that with such sites like Twitter and Facebook, most of your messages are out there for everyone to read and comment on.  It seems that “pics of the past” come back to haunt you as friends tag you and make it available for anyone else who is your friend to view, EVEN IF THEY AREN’T FRIENDS WITH THE PERSON WHO POSTED IT!  This can be a bit messy, especially if you are found in an uncompromising position!

The jelous boyfriend or girlfriend is easily set off as  he/she constantly browses you and your friends profiles and possibly even adds your friends as their own friend to get both sides of the conversation!  This could be a very dangerous situation and could turn a good relationship bad very quickly.  Where do the lines get drawn on invading personal space?  It’s also easier for someone who you don’t want checking up on you to do that with these social networking sites, we update our status to indicate our every move.  It’s getting to the point where these so called stalkers are signing up for dummy accounts friending you and watching what you do and who you’re talking to.  Has your significant other asked you some pretty weird questions lately pertaining to your Facebook or Twitter accounts? I’m not saying… but I’m just saying! 

The best way to handle this I suppose is to make sure that your nose is clean at all times.  If there is an ex that is your friend and leaves some pretty suggestive notes on your wall or posts some pictures from the past and asks you “remember when?”, then maybe instead of laughing it off you should confront and explain that those types of pictures or comments aren’t appropriate and please stop or else you’ll have to stop being friends.  If your signicant other doesn’t allow you to acknowledge and work through the obvious unacceptable online behavior, maybe you two should discuss what’s really going on and come to some kind of conclusion.      

Social networking can indeed be fun and addictive.  But let’s not let it ruin the things that are important in life and that is one on one human relations.  If there’s a ghost from your past haunting your present and perhaps your future, let it go! It’s not worth it!

THAT’S IT! WE’RE SHACKING UP!!

After a year or so of dating you’ve come to a point where you and your mate decide that you would like to take your relationship a step further and so you decide to think about moving in together.  What are all the thoughts that go through your mind in making that decision? Of course you want to be making the right decision so that it doesn’t result in a split down the middle of the relationship and anything that you purchased together.  But what are the concerns? Do you have to deal with a moral battle and question if it’s right or wrong? Do you wonder about the finances and how you’re going to handle that? Do you think that things will just be perfect by just being together?

I’m sure that when making a decision to share space and finances with someone, whether they are your spouse or spouse- to- be, it can be a somewhat stressful situation in relinquishing some control.  Being an individual, you have your own money and your own things to do with them what you will.  In a couple, sharing expenses, you have to think about everyone involved.  Also, being an individual you have your own way of cleaning and taking care of business.  Living with someone, you have to figure out a way to accomplish the same goal, whether it’s doing laundry, keeping house or paying bills.  How do you resolve those issues? Do you talk about how you are going to address these issues prior to actually moving in?

How many of you out there that have lived with someone before? What do you have to say about your experience? Would you do it again? Why or why not? I encourage your responses you may see your posts in a later article.

Let’s talk about it people!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

Do you think it’s the labels that we put on eachother in relationships, i.e (boyfriend/ girlfriend, just-a-friend, wife/husband),that is what makes the dynamics of the relationship change? Or is it the expectations that we have of eachother, once we attach those labels, that can cause the relationship to change?

I happen to think that it is the latter.  I think that when two people just consider themselves as friends and dating there aren’t many expectations for eachother.  At this point in the relationship, they are just feeling eachother out to see if it can turn into anything.  Often times in a new relationship one will say to the other ” I never did that before, or you didn’t have a problem with that before!” or maybe something else to imply that the other person has changed.  I don’t think that it’s that the person that has changed, I think that the situation has changed.  BEFORE, you were simply my friend that I dated and NOW, you’re my companion.  I think  it’s natural to expect for the dynamics to change just a bit on both ends, don’t you think?

If we’ve transitioned from “just-a-friend” to “boyfriend/girlfriend” I don’t expect you to continue to see other people, right? I also may expect you to think more of me and start doing more for me now that we are exclusive.  Also, when the relationship transitions again to the next level of marriage well then I’ll have even more expectations of what my husband should be.  I think that as long as they are realistic and are true to my significant other’s personality then it’s ok.  But if I’m expecting him to be the complete opposite of what he was when I met him then label me “Boo- Boo the Fool!”

I think that is a lot of what may be the problem with us women when we get into relationships.  Often times we fall in love with the possibilities of what this man could be instead of paying closer attention to what he really is!  You also have to be mindful not to fall in the trap of wanting more for him than he wants for himself.  Make sure that he has his own dreams, aspirations and goals THAT HE IS WORKING TOWARDS, (verb, action word ladies, make sure that he is presently, actively working towards his goal) and that it’s not just that you’re impressed with the things that you think and suggested that he would be good at doing.  It’s wonderful to notice potential in your man, but it’s not so wonderful to try and mold him to be your perfect man.  You have to first be willing and able to accept him completely for who he is at this very moment right here and now.  If you can’t, then you might as well move on.  If you can look at him and be ok if he never changes according to your expectations of him then maybe it really is love and it’s worth a shot. 

We all grow and evolve and as our relationships change from one level to the next, I do believe that there are expectations of both sexes but I also believe, that you shouldn’t set expectations for him or her that they could never reach.  If it were never in their personalities to cook you breakfast every morning, just because you now, live together or have gotten married doesn’t mean that it’ll start. 

Moral of the story is, don’t be afraid to expect something from your partner, don’t be afraid to label eachother.  If you aren’t cool with  being his girlfriend for the rest of your life, it’s ok.  Just realize that it may not be worth it to pressure him because it may backfire, maybe it’s time to consider someone else, who is more interested in making you their wife!

TO SNOOP OR NOT TO SNOOP… THAT IS THE QUESTION

I was reading through some of my facebook friends statuses and there was a status that had gotten quite a bit of responses and so since it was such an intriguing yet common and simple topic I decided to open it up to the blogosphere and see what happened.  The status asked “why do men and women snoop? What are we looking for? Are we trying to sabotage our relationships?

In the comments that I saw, a lot of women posted things such as “better safe than sorry” or “I’d rather know now, than later” while men posted comments like “don’t ask a question you really don’t want the answer to” or “don’t look for something you may not be able to handle”.   My question is, if you do feel you have to snoop on your partner what do you think it really says about you or furthermore your relationship?

Is it really a relationship that you need to be in if you feel that you can’t trust the person? Are you too insecure with yourself that you don’t think someone could actually be faithful to you? And the way I see it is, if you have a gut feeling that your partner is cheating, confront the situation head on don’t hide behind snooping…

So I’m gonna ask you the question like the facebook status read: “Why do men and women snoop on eachother? What are we looking for? Are we trying to sabotage our relationship?”

BOOMERANG

Watch this clip:

What are your thoughts of this? I was watching this movie this morning and my mind started to wander and I thought, how many times does situations like this happen in relationships? How often are we finding ourselves in situations that we shouldn’t be in, only to regret that we’ve jeopardized what could’ve been the best thing in our lives?  For all of you who have never seen this movie, Marcus Graham, played by Eddie Murphy, is a player that has had more than his fair share of women; but none of them has seemed to measure up to his expectation of perfection, until finally he comes across Jacqueline Broyer, played by Robin Givens.  She was basically Marcus in the form of a woman and she was his ultimate match.  She also was the first one to make Marcus finally want to change his ways and settle down.

Now let’s see if we can learn something from that synopsis.  The woman that Marcus considered was the woman who was confident, gave him chase and didn’t just jump at his beckoned call, as did every other woman he knew.  She was intelligent, beautiful and she was the one who called the shots.  {Ladies are you paying attention??? You do not have to be so quick to give it up, or be available everytime he calls you.  Give him some chase.  Men enjoy it, it’s in their nature.  It’ll peak his interest and make him wonder what you have that he hasn’t already had.}

By this time, the shoe was completely on the other foot and everything that Marcus had done to a woman, was being done to him 10 fold!  Finally he broke the relationship off, and news spread like wildfire around the office, that first knew him as a suave player, that Jacqueline had him “WHOOPED!”  Angela, played by Halle Berry, was his close friend and she had made it her duty to help him heal his broken heart and as fate would have it, they developed feelings and started a relationship with eachother.  The scene you just watched was the culmination of what happened after Marcus let the heat of the moment get the best of him.

My question is, how often have you found yourself in a similar situation, whether you were the player or the playee? Did the “boomerang effect” ever sneak up on you? What did you learn from it? I’m curious to hear how your situations have turned out.

Sound off…

ROCK THE VOTE!!

Hello all, I have entered my son into the Gap Casting Call Contest 2009 and we need your help to win!  All I need for you to do is click on the link below, register and vote and then Keep on Voting until you can vote no more! LOL Votes are limited to once daily.  I hope that you can spread the love and invite your friends and family to vote as well. Let’s Go people! ROCK THE VOTE!!

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A WARNING TO MY LADIES:

Women do we really let ourselves go after we get in a relationship?

Well I’m sorry to say, that is exactly what a lot of men are thinking about us!  They think that once we get comfortable in a relationship that we start to fall off, we gain weight, we stop looking as good, we stop doing all the things that we did for our men in order to get them and start to come out the bathroom at night ready for bed in tattered, dingy t-shirts, scarves  and cold cream! LADIES: NO MAN WANTS TO SEE THAT!!

I understand that we get comfortable and we do have our daily regimen to maintain, but they didn’t see that before and now all of a sudden we’re throwing the ugly card at them and they are quite frankly SCARED!  Those poor men don’t know what to think about us.  We do a total transformation on them and they just can’t take it!  We have got to keep the visual consistent for them.  Men are truly visual beings and when things start to change visually they start to get that “itch”.  So, we have to learn how to keep our secrets to ourselves!  Yes there comes a time in every relationship where both man and women are so secure that we relax and break out the sweats and dirty tee’s every now and then, but let’s not make it an every day/ every night thing.  Because Johnny doesn’t like it, not one little bit!

Trust me ladies I have your back!  I can hear you screaming at the screen “MEN LET THEMSELVES GO TOO!!” and I absolutely agree, they most surely do.  They get all scruffy on us, they gain weight, lose hair (not that they can help it), don’t shower but we love them unconditionally!  Yes it isn’t fair I know! The truth of the matter is women aren’t as visual as men, we’re emotional creatures and though they get comfortable and their waists start to expand… we love them in spite of it all.

Here are a few tips to keeping up the visual for your man:

• Instead of doing your monthly homemade facial concoction, splurge and go to a salon and get it done, that way he doesn’t see it and you can come back from spending some ”me” time feeling refreshed and looking radiant.  (If you can’t visit a day spa/salon, send him out with the boys one night and reserve the evening to pamper yourself at home again keeping it out of sight for him)
• Keep it sexy- wear something that is both comfy and visually pleasing.  Try some boyshorts and a matching tank top to wear to bed. (See Victoria’s Secret)
• Nix the scarf and tying up your hair at night, at least while he’s still awake, tie it up after he’s gone to sleep and when you wake up in the morning to make him breakfast, snatch the scarf off and freshen up before he even knows you had it on.  And if he’s making you breakfast that day, just snatch scarf off before he gets up.
• Gotta keep it tight- frequent the gym at least 3 times a week.  Or work out at home.  Maybe if he sees you taking care of yourself and caring about your body it’ll motivate him to keep up with his own looks, he wouldn’t want guys to wonder how the he ended up with you (use his ego for your benefit as well!)
• And last but certainly not least, always always always start the relationship off being real.  Be who you are at ALL times so that when you do get comfortable he knows exactly what he’s got and loves you truly just for you!!

Happy Dating Ladies!

RECIPROCITY, WHAT IS THE MEANING?

So ladies, all of us want to be treated good, correct? We always think that we are the best thing since sliced bread so whoever is ready to step up to the plate better recognize, right? Well, have you ever thought that the person that you are considering also thinks that they are a “good catch” and wants to be treated like gold just as much as you? Do you think that just because you think you are so good that it’s ok to not show your prospective boyfriend that you know how to give love as well as receive? Do you think that you can consider showing someone who is your prospective mate that you know how to pamper them and make them feel special?

My point in asking these questions are simply to get you to realize that maybe we ought to be trying to do right by eachother instead of just expecting or wanting someone to solely do right by us.  As the saying goes, “Love is a two-way street” and if we don’t think of it as being reciprocal then we could possibly lose that love interest, just because we aren’t willing to put in the effort it takes to make one see that you are just as willing to love and to care as they are.  No one wants to feel like they are alone in a relationship or else what is the benefit of being in a relationship if it isn’t companionship? It certainly isn’t economical to be in a relationship where your mate is expecting you to take them out on dates and buy gifts for special occasions and so on.  Is it for the mere act of sex? Certainly not, when you don’t need to have the strings of commitment and expectations that a relationship also requires.  If you want to be loved then we have to start doing some lovin’!

After having several conversations with some men friends of mine, I’ve learned that a man also wants to be courted in a relationship.  He understands that a lady wants to be wooed but he would also like some effort to be given to peak his interest as well.  I’ve discovered that men also like little romantic gestures, or any kind of inkling of what kind of woman you would be to him, if you were his wife.  I also find that men are feeling cheated after they have courted and wooed a woman to where she’s all smitten only to find out that she really isn’t the woman he thought or hoped that she were.  They’d much rather know what they were getting on the front end rather than be surprised by the awful truth later down the line.  Ladies, I have to say I don’t blame them!  Don’t you expect that when a man is interested that he knows how to come correct or not come at all? For the most part he’s showing you his hand, he’s making it clear the kind of man he can be to you, should your relationship bring out the best of him.  But if you aren’t reciprocating then how can he determine if you are the right person for him? We always expect a man to be vulnerable and put himself out there but we have to also appease him so that he’ll want to keep doing it.  If we don’t reward him for his good work with our own affection then he’ll soon give up and find someone who is willing to give him some love in return…

So my suggesting for this lesson in love is, let’s stop playing mind games with our men if we’re into them let’s express it.

WILL YOU STAY IF THE LOVIN’ IS GOOD? BE HONEST!

C’mon…. just keep it real!  Are you likely to stay just a bit longer in a relationship that you know full well is not good for you just because the sex is good? I think if we all haven’t done it… we’ve considered it… at least before we had some sense knocked into us!  I mean for women when we have sex with someone after a while we become attached to that person.  We’d often put up with a situation rather than find someone else to be comfortable with and sleep with.  But sex for women is also mental and emotional so if we aren’t stimulated in those areas as well as physically then, it’s really just plain sex nothing explosive is going to happen if our heads aren’t into it no matter how many tricks he’s pulling out of his sleeve!  So is it even worth trying to hold on to a relationship if you aren’t happy just because the sex is good?

And what’s with people deciding to break up but agree to continue to “service” eachother until they find another partner? How do we do that to ourselves? Women I can’t see it being ok with us and us not hanging ourselves with our own rope.  If we agree to continue to have sex with someone we must obviously still have feelings for that person otherwise the thought would somewhat repulse us!  Maybe those that do agree to the “service warranty package” are secretly hoping that they can put it on Mr. Man so good that he’ll remember all the good times and reconsider a relationship and that’s servicing under false pretenses and basically setting yourself up for failure!  If you really want a relationship you should say so.  If he just isn’t that into you to give you one, then you should consider more of yourself and just move on rather than give yourself sexually to a man who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you as if that’s all you’re worth.

I’ve thought about staying in a relationship just because physically we clicked more than any other way… then I realized that the more we didn’t connect anywhere else besides the bed the less the thought became appealing and I closed all doors to that relationship and just let things be.  If you know something is just not right in your relationship and there’s nothing that you can do to make it right… just let things be over.  Not everything is meant to last.  Some people come into your life only for a season and our job is learning to decipher seasonal from full-time workers.  Also, remember that not every employee is entitled to a benefits package until after they have put in some work to prove themselves.  If we made them wait longer, maybe we’d have figured out who worth it without having to consider foregoing one for the other!

IS YOUR CHEATING THE SAME AS MY CHEATING?

A liar is a liar and a cheat is a cheat!  They go hand in hand and when a person is in the wrong, especially when they are caught, they always try to talk their way around what defines things, so they can make an escape.  Well let’s put everything on the table and discuss some things so that we’ll all be clear on what constitutes cheating…

WHO NEEDS FLOWERS WHEN YOU COULD GIVE ORAL SEX?!?

Well Gabby, as in Gabrielle Union, said it best in an article on Bossip.com and I think I kind of agree.  I mean, I love flowers just as much as the next girl but I’d take a little oral anyday and hey it’s free!  I mean let’s have some fun with this.  We’re in a recession, and we have to be more creative with our love lives.  The way I see it is if we can’t go out for dinner as often as we  like because funds are tight, gimme a little “head play” and we’ll call it even.  Or let’s say an unexpected bill came up when you were making plans for your hunny’s birthday and now those plans have been pushed back until next week? I’d be a more sympathetic if you were a little extra attentive in the foreplay department, gimme a little cunnilingus and we are A-OK! LOL!!!

A little oral play can just change someone’s whole mood, don’t you agree? The next time you and your beau are about to get in an arguement, just stop what your doing, drop to your knees and I’m sure his whole mood will change!  He’ll forget all about whatever it was that you did and all will be well!

Any takers?

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday dear Me…. Happy Birthday to me!! Yeaaaah!  My birthday usually falls the week after or the week of Thanksgiving.  This year, is different for me in many respects than any other year for me.  This year I’ve experienced a lot of accomplishments and a few bumps in the road.  But despite the obstacles that come my way, I am continually blessed!

I have a family who loves me dearly and supports me in my every move.  I have a beautiful brand new home to call my very own.  I have friends that care about my well-being and I have a comforter in someone who is the ULTIMATE friend and that is my Lord.  So on this birthday, forgetting about what ever trials may come my way, I know that there are only stumbling blocks and things that I will use to make me bigger, better and stronger.

In my 29th year of life, I plan to do things better than the year before, I plan to execute things better than I ever have before and all those things that try to get in my way, so help me will only be things to make me smile and look forward to the things to come.  So I’m singing… “happy birthday to me… happy birthday to me… happy birthday to meeee… happy birthday to me!”

GET CREATIVE: CHEAP DATE IDEAS FOR THE ONES YOU LOVE!!

For all those like me ,whose birthday is sandwiched between two major holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas we have to be a little sympathetic to our loved ones wallets.  I thought now would be a great time to come up with a few creative, inexpensive and thoughtful gifts that you might love that won’t break the bank!

I thought these were some fun yet romantic cheap date options (Listed in no particular order):

1. Find a nice quaint restaurant about an hour away.  During the ride stop and take cute and funny face pictures together or even pictures of the scenery, hopefully you can catch the sunset.  (Kill two birds with one stone) use the pictures you take from this date to make a collage and present on a future date!
2. How about a picnic in the living room or if it’s nice out in your backyard?  Do the usual, pack up sandwiches, snacks and a bottle of wine and don’t forget the candles.  That always makes it more special.
3. Go to a park and bring your favorite book of poetry and read to a few prose to each other.
4. Find a wine tasting in your area, enjoy eachothers company and casual conversation.
5. Go see his/her favorite exhibit at the local museum.
6. The MOVIES! Although the prices for movies have definitely gone up over the years still taking in a matinée or a regular show are still great cheap date ideas.  Pass on the snacks and find an intimate shop to take in a meal.
7. Take a horse drawn carriage ride.
8. Go to the local botanical nursery and get her a handful of her favorite flowers to take home.
9. Take a walk around the park and stop to take in the scenery.  (Passer-by’s, birds,animals,children, etc.)  And last but not least…
10. Find a specialty gourmet shop where they will let you come in back to make you own treat i.e. ColdStone Creamery

ENJOY! And happy dating!

xoxo

IS IT ME OR HAS DATING TAKEN A WRONG TURN?

I remember back in the day it seemed that men were much more aggressive when it came to approaching a woman they saw and liked from across the room.  I mean, men would actually approach you and offer to buy you a drink!  Nowadays, it seems like the men play the bar, look but don’t speak… WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? Now, I’m off the market but this goes out to all my single ladies out there that are wondering “Is it me or has dating changed?”

Yesterday, my bestie took me out to hang out for my birthday and we went to this nice spot in Teaneck, NJ.  It was a decent sized crowd, not too many men and not too many women.  There may have been a few couples, but for the most part it looked like an ample amount of “fish in the sea” or “fresh meat” out there to be had.  I like to watch men and women interact, because I want to see what it takes.  Is it what she wears that has the men looking? Is it the girl who flirts with all the guys that gets the most attention? Is it the girl who is cute but kinda plays the back that gets the guy or is there really no rhyme or reason to the dating madness?

What I saw was really kinda sad.  It resembled what you would think of at a school dance.  Guys hanging with their boys and the girls hanging amongst themselves.  Now the room wasn’t divided and there were some people mingling.  But it seemed they only spoke to people that they knew.  I really didn’t see too many people approaching eachother at all.  As the night progressed and more people came, there were more people letting their guard down and dancing on the floor, but for the most part it reminded me of a question that my girlfriends and I often chatted about after a night out… “what happened to the dating scene?” “where did all the men who approach women go?” OR “is it us?”

I often think that because the roles for men and women have changed so much over time, we’re all confused in how we’re supposed to behave with eachother.  Women are more independent and self-sufficient therefore making them more bold and aggressive and are asking men out.  Women also are more “out there” then we used to be therefore we sometimes throw ourselves at men, making it easy for them.  I think that they have become spoiled and often wait for the women to approach, that way they don’t have to worry about getting rejected or embarrassed if she’s not interested.  But I thought, men liked to chase?  Men were hunters once upon a time.  Now it seems like the tables have turned.  But I polled some of my guy friends on Facebook and these were some of the responses I got to my question:

POLL: FB Men I have a 2 part question. It seems like the men today have changed. Men used to be more aggressive when approaching a woman. Now it seems if you go out the men play the bar and watch from a distance… What makes a woman unapproachable? What signs or signals should a woman give in order to make you feel comfortable to approach her?

Guy:  It’s not women being unapproachable, it’s the fear of rejection, not wanting to be embarrassed by getting shut down

Guy:  From what I’ve seen yeah, I don’t really have issues with approaching women, I just do…never been brushed off… Guess I’m lucky

Me: So what should a woman do to give a signal to a guy that it’s ok to come and talk to her, besides just approaching him. Is there anything women can do?

Guy:  For me it’s eye contact, a smile

Guy:  when a woman is asking everybody for a drink that can be the reason [men don't approach] and we are in a recession… but women should maybe smile more thats a sign

Guy:  I partly agree with being the shut down thing. But I think men play the back and watch more so than just jumping. When I go out I’m attempting to make a decent pick. I don’t wanna end up with the whore of the club. I lay back and find the one who is the most attractive.  To me it’s a combo of looks, how she dressed, how she moves when she dances and even what she drinks or if she smokes. I prefer some type of eye contact be made and do it a little old school, but I will approach her.  Some women need to stop looking so dayum mean when they know a guy is checking for them.  Unfortunately I’m sure some of my counter parts have ruined things and have been disrespectful but woman need to remember all men are not alike!.

So ladies, I know that it’s not just my girlfriends and me that are asking ourselves these kinds of questions and now you have some honest feedback from the fellas.  It’s not that they are intimidated, it’s just they have their pride and who wants to be embarrassed in front of their boys?!  Although, if a man doesn’t approach you because of fear of rejection, then maybe he’s not worth it anyway.  However, one guy also says he takes his time to scope out the scene because he’s looking for QUALITY!  That’s a very good reason for a man to take his time and something that we should look at as well.  Check out the men who are checking for you and if they are pouncing on everything that is in a tight skirt maybe you don’t want him!  Maybe we could help the guys out a bit and smile and look their way a little more.  It gives them a little motivation to think they actually have a chance.  And ladies, don’t make it all about the drink that you’ll ask him to buy for you AND your girlfriends… we are in a recession and everyone is on a budget SO maybe a more classy and sophisticated way to get a guys attention (and let him know you’re not just trying to get a free drink) is to send him a drink… see what happens.

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS…

I absolutely love this time of year don’t you? It makes me reflect on what the true meaning of the holiday is and truly value where I am as opposed to where I was.  And let’s not forget about the GIFTS, so I figured by now you should be done with all of your Christmas shopping unless you are a MAJOR PROCRASTINATOR like some people I know, and in it being the season to give I was curious what would be acceptable or unacceptable amounts to spend on a person in a new relationship?

Not that you shouldn’t spend your money how you see fit, and that if you happen to come across a gift that you think he/she would appreciate then you shouldn’t get it… what I’m more curious about it is, can you spend too much too soon in a relationship? I asked a similar question on Facebook, as I’ve been posting blog ideas lately, and I got some mixed responses from my crew this go ’round.  I actually got the responses that I thought I would’ve heard from the men, from the women and vice versa!

My guy friend said, “You can’t put a price on that, just get them something you think they would like… you can’t always live your life by rules and regulations.”  Whereas my ladies were actually throwing out numbers on how much they think someone should spend.  I heard anywhere from $50-$200, as suitable to spend on a new beau.  I see both sides of the coin on this.  Of course, you want to get something for the person you are with that is thoughtful, sentimental, meaningful and practical but you also want to be conscientious of how much you are spending.  Like my friend who actually suggested the post said, “I just think buying a Movado for someone within the first few months of a relationship is a bit much!”  Another girl pal of mine broke it down in a way I kind of liked she said, “I have been seeing someone since the beginning of November and have been seeing him almost every day since. I spent about $160 on 4 items-I think that is about right.  No way would I spend more than 200, maybe 250.  Now if we were casually dating I would spend between $50 and $100.  And if I had met him the beginning of this month I would have given him a gift card, $50 and under…” This makes sense to me, I remember a guy that I was casually dating, he and I had decided to exchange gifts that year and we hardly spent anything it was all in the thought that counted, I purchased some Axe Body Wash in several fragrances and he purchased a book.  Great gifts that were thoughtful, practical and inexpensive!

Think about it, purchasing a gift too expensive could also send signals to the person that you may or may not want to send.  A gift that is expensive could either send a message that you want to get serious or that you already are serious.  What if you purchase a gift that screams serious relationship, but the person isn’t “there” yet to receive such a gift? Or what if you don’t spend enough on your gift and the person thought you had reached a new level in your relationship that warranted something more personal, and more special? Now they think that the feelings aren’t mutual.  That’s why it’s so important to pick the right gift.

So here is a list of items that I have compiled as some great gifts to give in a new relationship:

• Perfume/ Cologne- find out their favorite scent and wow them with a new bottle, it’ll show that you pay attention to detail
• A book/ magazine subscription- there are so many great reads out there why not surprise them with a great book or a year subscription to Sports Illustrated or Cosmopolitan or something they you think they would enjoy.
• A shirt/blouse/tie- clothes can sometimes be tricky, especially for someone who you are new with.  But if you have a good eye for style and have recognized what they like, why not spring for a nice top that can either be for work or for casual lounging on the weekend?
• iTunes card- Who’s not into music? Give them a gift card to iTunes so that they can stock up on the latest music.
• Gift card- You are just getting to know this person, and there is still so much left to learn, why not give them a gift card, so that they can apply it towards something they’d choose?

Good luck to all and if you haven’t bought all of your gifts yet, aren’t you glad you read this post first???

Happy Holidays,

MzCeo xoxo